http://www.thrivingfamily.com/Features/Magazine/2011/when-your-apology-falls-flat.aspx

yesterday night, i was posed a question-of whether i was ready to take a step of faith.

Woke up wondering how different life'd be with you still ard... Just wish i reached sooner :(

They all said that youd adore me, and id love you so much...

isnt there some way to defy time?

I feel inadequate to make big decisions because ive yet to learn so much. Of lush/desolation, of extreme joy/pain. Im not ready but im willing.

(photo credit to cj's tumblr :) )

If the boy who draws
lets you look over his shoulder,
If the poet
smiles
and shows you her words.
If the girl who sings for the shower only
hums a song
in front of you,

Know that you’re no longer a person
but the air
and dust
that fills their lungs.

When the world perishes,
and all things cease to exist,
you’ll remain inside an ink stain,
a paint brush,
a song.
— Alaska Gold

sweet

Gotta save my thought-through words for other stuff hahaha

Awake cos of circumstances. Cld have gone back to bed but the chill air hit me when i walked out. And i was like , ok i shld go and run. The last time i ran in such a weather , actly much cooler, i was in two shirts, gloves, shorts (booya! Pwned the locals i saw those mornings ;) ) and perth.

That was a highlight of the trip. Those solitary, cold-biting-the-skin, painful runs-when i felt like i cldnt have things btr than they were. I rmb how i had less sleep cos of those runs, yet refreshing me more than the sleep compensated time cld provide me with.

And this phrase rung true to me, as to my unhealthy, cursed to make me age faster, late night endeavours - i feel the most alive because majority of my world is asleep.

Ok .NOOO sun hold up!!!

nth much, had dajie-brother time with ryan today.... had a lot of fun walking ard and looking at prettz stuff :) (i think i went a bit overboard at times and made ryan bored...) anyhow, someone asked a kid to call me 'auntie'..... x(( no wayyyyy. ggxx. i dont wna grow old!!!

must remind myself of this day next time if i decide to wear aunty clothes in future... hahaha

anyhow, it's so late and i shld slp but i think i will watch one more of mets! it's really really sad now though :/:(

but one thing i've learnt is, no matter how much hurt is inflicted upon you, life goes on. ...

in the process of learning, there are two points to be remembered : 1) arrogance in knowing the right answer 2) your prejudice in using your own norms to determine things.

a learning not from the answer itself but the deriving of it...

"I hope you find whoever it is you're looking for. And don't let go, once you do." -Zombieland (2009)

Sweeeeet. Somehow pushing away seems like a better option..maybe because it is easier. Less vulnerable

http://jonathanjarvis.com/crisis-of-credit

makes understanding of the financial crisis so comprehensible. jonathan jarvis! -thumbs up

Is it freedom or contentment or the <2 days to the end of exams happiness and comfort im feeling right now...? Hmmm.

ANYWAY. THIS IS GOOD hahahaha! :
"Sometimes in life, if you wanna do something good, you gotta do something bad first." -The Girl Next Door (2004)

itsumo
anata dake no basho ga aru kara

after jan introduced that jap show + memoirs of a geisha, oh and that brief connection over the whole list of countries, japanese doesnt seem like such a turn off anymoer

Gust of cool, cool breeze.. After a while, i just had to put down my notes because it reminded me so much of many overseas experiences. The chill air in perth, the sweet scent of possibilties in korea, a haste breath of humanity in nepal.

Though i was shivering and inappropriately dressed (damn! Missed a chance for pretty winter wear to go for a parade) , each gust of wind was a great reminder of hope and life. That there is so much to life than the microscopic view i currently hold. That life becoming better, it is possible.

If just for that moment... :)

Sheesh, im totally enjoying this insanely cold weather and bouts of rains and thunderstorms. Please dont make fall in love with you :( id be rlyyy sad if-no, WHEN-the sweltering heat eventually takes its rightful place again..

//anyway i watched shes out of my league ytd and damn, ttly enjoyed it!!! The awkward guy was sooo weird yet endearing.. :))) im wondering if i feel so much for him cos i ttly dig awkward guys or cos i see myself in him.. (I really am kind of difficult to talk with.. )

we all want that something to lay our hopes on.. condition: only after it has shown credibility and proven its worth. is that bad?

anyhow..............sm tmr. after that i MUST I WILLLLLL spend the day completing my exchange stuff

One more conversation :

Haven't you written to someone of the future? whether you two have yet to make acquaintances or not...

One day, you'll realise

is it normal to intentionally stay away from food to the point of hunger ..so that in some way , this way, you are connected to your humane self.

sometimes my mind is so numbed of emotions, thoughts and feelings that i am not living; i exist as a mere organism (i have explained this mental state of being-or lack of- before...something that i still struggle to put into words). no nothing is happening, i'm just studying really hard now. engagement in this activity is akin to ridding myself of all personal thoughts and memories -so that the impressions these knowledge make can be fresh and succinct.(i feel the need to constantly explain myself in fear that i appear out of sorts and weird...) pause: my poor vocab bank makes expressing myself tough. anyhow, i am seeing the light for finance....is it that understandable and interesting and awesomeeeeeeeeeeeeeee or do i have a flair for this module...? hahaha! i'd love to take all finance mods next sem please <3 p="p">

I think this is how i know :

When i found something that wasn't in my favour, I closed up immediately. Because what i seeked in that situation wasnt the subject but what obtaining the subject meant.

I know because i'm doing things that make me look like a noooob. And its not everyday i come across a piece of wood like this .

Ok sorry im not very subtle in this haha @.@

My head is screaming get a grip, girl !

I guess this means more to me than to you..

Oh dear..whats wrong w me. No, i do know why im like this ,i just dont like it :( even i cannot control myself @.@ haaa ok. will this matter in a month? HOPEFULLY NOT.....!

Im spent. I dont wna go back to sim tmrrrrr

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/i-have-a-crush-on-you/

Trenet.. What if getting to know them is the opposite of what always happens..

Fantasy huh... Fantasies dont happen in this real, practical, forlorn world..dont they? I feel like this question is going to be challenged....,,, : )

Anyhow ive war to face. Along with some extra weights known as 'extra shit i cast upon myself' and 'laziness' and a whole pound of defeatish mentality :(

“Don’t say we aren't right for each other, the way I see it is… We aren't right for anyone else.” -The Cutting Edge (1992)

Aww

"i will follow myheart-because i wna live in a (fairytale) world, not in a practical world"

not exactly how i feel but so true! this world will be viewed by-and thus interpretated in your mind-through your eyes so it is up to you which lenses you wna use

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkGzqpGx1KU&feature=relmfu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NMLeJsen1Go&feature=related

Here we stand
Worlds apart, hearts broken in two
Sleepless nights
Losing ground
I'm reaching for you

Feelin' that it's gone
Can change your mind
If we can't go on
To survive the tide love divides

Someday love will find you
Break those chains that bind you
One night will remind you
How we touched
And went our separate ways
If he ever hurts you
True love won't desert you
You know I still love you
Though we touched
And went our separate ways

Troubled times
Caught between confusions and pain
Distant eyes
Promises we made were in vain

If you must go, I wish you love
You'll never walk alone
Take care my love
Miss you love


I still love you girl
I really love you girl
And if he ever hurts you
True love won't desert you
No, No

gone are the days i can look at such lyrics and form my own definite interpretation.. or even be able to hold discussions mentally. zzz

http://sg.finance.yahoo.com/photos/organized-20-clever-ideas-repurposed-slideshow/#crsl=%252Fphotos%252Forganized-20-clever-ideas-repurposed-slideshow%252Forganized-20-clever-ideas-repurposed-photo-143720161.html

omg the photos are really pretty! :)))

it's so nice to be creative like that

"Many a false step is made by standing still." -Lottery Ticket (2010)

Anyway: to remind me when im gna get all angsty in the near future

'At the end of the day as what I'd always tell myself, even if it doesn't work out at least you get to find out it doesn't! That you've tried and you can move on w no regrets/second thoughts.

Thanks so much for this prep talk. Actly, i just had a convo with my sis. We were talking abt how the fear of failure has caused so much pain and regret. And ive always lived my life taking the 'safer' route and forgoing many possibilities... Maybe i shld step up my game and start putting my hopes out on the line and see how far it can take me.. :) '

omg, i sound so weird. why does anyone wna talk to me. hahahahahha

:( actly i've been told by a person that if we weren;t biologically related, she wouldnt even have made acquaintances with me.... sigh....

hi ryan. cream little puff that was SOOOOOO adorable when he got excited and tried to explain a running man episode to me. ~

Interesting:random stranger frm my past just found me on fb.. Its so odd cos he still speaks the same while my tone is much more matured nw

Ah woke up feeling like crap..dont know why this cream i put always makes me tear..ha..

Okay 3weeks to the end. No excuses!!!

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/26inxf/:1-wCIen!1:Lg0i..1R/www.stwing.upenn.edu/~jenf/writing/rant04.html/

haha, yeah girls are irrational... sorry :(

on a side note, i guess it's not as socially acceptable to 'play men' than to 'play girls'. thus the emergence of  all these cynically made  'nice guys', 'friendzone', 'brozone'....terms.

had a good run tdy ! :) and i made a new friend (after like 1mth + or so...). seems rly nice. and i just added her on fb!!! (yes i rarely go to that extent...so... fingers crossed! :) )

Its relativity; perspective. Throw me away now while i am still strong. Need to e !

????? HAH. Anyway, finally listened to the whole saxaphone cd, awesome stuffff. Some songs were so moving my insides were shaken. I want more!!!!

(didnt know i made so many faces while studying hehe). zzz, i need to remind myself tht im here but im not of the world's. !

i think i know how it feels to be like that, i think i've been like that before -may become like that- , so i'm trying to keep it in...but this sucks :( i cant concentrate !!! damn it, is this worth it....

'what's the point of being bad when there's nothing good to stop you?'
Megamind 2010

find this self-torturing, pretentious, split personality ish sentence rather true...

i think i watched close to 4 episodes of himym tonight. and when that happens, i'm pretty stunned by reality and kinda desperately wna escape from it...

i'm reminded of how ted was struggling between 2 girls but one day it dawned upon him that what he really wants is what barney had (at that time) for nora. in any case, i'm switching off more upset than when before because...BARNEY BROKE UP WITH NORA :(( and robin was breaking up with kevin :((( double sadness. but then it ended w barney getting rejected by robin .... omg, triple emoness ttm let the sparklers and candles and fireworks display begin... !!!

had a pretty good run ytd at ntu's campus run event. :) got 250$ worth of 3M and facial pdts too (yes i'm not gna get over it :p ) .i wonder how different, hopefully btr, my life wld be if i eventually got my ass into ntu .

anyway, you know what? past few days have been crazy.... (maybe because of the incessant brooding over the pending examinations and the prep required. key word: brooding. haahaaa but wtv, i'm just gng to flow with my thoughts now: )  i want a turnaround. right now. however, for such to take place, i need to make changes in my life huh? and yknow what?i'm scared nuts. i dont understand why though, because im really sick of my current life and anything different will be a release from it, a relief if i may.

i want real in my life

Robin :Why am I constantly looking for reasons to not be happy?

Maybe because the idea of finally being happy terrifies you

HIMYM (S7)

"It is better to be gullible and generous than to be suspicious and stingy." Bill Bright

(if i cld, i'd wish this whole week to be better ! :) )

http://annaandponcho.wordpress.com/ -> friend's blog. she has really amazing photography skills :)

my resolve from ytd night (although was very wavered to being with) is gone. but yknow what, it's the pink elephant theory. so if i want to , i'll do it if i can..?..

i shld think i can leave my melb stuff aside till exams are over. now i just left to complete my resume..on top of my blatant urgent need to start studying!!!!

not been able to post much reflective stuff (hey, what abt my big day when i commemorated 1 year of lawful adulthood) but...all is forgiveable because my examiners will be looking at my 'scrawled out in 2hrs' papers and not this.

was introduced to sth interesting: we (sgporeans) do not belong to a country but a business empire. for the recordddd,  i agree with the statement in a reflective,netural way.

yeeengz was really cool tdy. shes amazing me each time we speak! it was really comforting to have her say this 'what i'll tell you is to reflect on what went wrong and seek to improve on it. no use crying over split milk, but what you can do is to prevent it in the future. Don't be too hard on yourself'

(i feel really superficial and a bit embarrassed to be posting sth full of other people's opinions and so few of mine.... but hey, lets be reminded of 4th //graph from the top! ha)

I wna discuss abt you because you have been making me very perplexed.. But i dont know where to start or how to do this..

I hate this feeling, though, so naturally i shld avoid you at all costs. It will be tough initially, but it will get better eventually.. If you care, leave me alone!!!!pls? If not, do about something abt this...

What are all these worldly possessions?, All the achievements, if you cant find your placing in the world?

(haha but okay ,this is friends collection +2 other siblings' of medals. INSANE...! Its rlycool, she has 7 other siblings in total. )

omg..... please act your age.... :( it's been really tough hanging around you....

on another note, why am i in such a saddened mood tngt? :(
i thought i was tired but a friend asked 'are you sure it's because youre tired?'

to me, yes. what else can it be? tiredddd. tmr i'm finally having a free day all to myself. and .i.will.get down to doing some work !!!

then the person on the other side of the message might be like, 'omg tiffany actually cares for me!! 😱😱😱😭😭😳😳😳😳☺☺☺😊😊😊😃😃😃😃😃"

Can the emoticons be seen ? Cos they are damn cute !

So anyway , these past two weeks were pretty tough but i hope for better days ahead.. :)

'so much have happened in all your xx years, but theres so little that you can capture'
-ok, i bet i wont understand the depth this statement means to me now, in a few weeks time. But im too lazy to note it down :) see ,i just proved tht statement through this situation haha

Ok last lecture with coolest lecturer ever

got extremely agitated today while in mum's car. i dont know how but she can get me really heated up. managed to hold in my anger though... but i felt like i was gna explode so i went off without informing mum or jenni to take a short walk. i guess it made them really angry but janandi resolved it in a matter of minutes... pretty proud of us, lolll. it was matured :) gta thank the short walk i took too. it's amazing how my anger can dissipate in mere moments.

anyway, the issue was on life... i never believe in playing with such matters. alrgt, thats all i shld say lest any complications arise...i'm not supposed to talk abt it =/ :(

i've not prayed in a long while, and i dno if i will...but i shld consider doing so... desperation calls for desperate measures, calls for the returning to one's roots-where stability resides.

anyhow, i intended this week to be a total break from studying, trng etc... but i'm needed at dad's office amap (aka as long as i;ve no school) ... and this will be a pretty permanent thing for the near future... ok i'm stumped. dont know what to think abt this...

on another note, my last competitive race ended over the wkend (which wasn't really competitive per say since intensity wasn't as high) so technically i can stop trng. but my swan trng is delayed cos i agreed to a race in oct. so alrgt, i guess i'll delay the 'shld i cont trng or not' decision. but i will face it eventually... am alr struggling with it for aquathlon's swim trngs... this. is going. too fast.....

ahhh, buo la....

Dont we look damn cute there -.- hahaaaa.

Was counting and realised tt it was only 4 days.. Ohmy, haha, felt longer than that.....

Went for a local acapella concert tdy. Guest visits from two grps, one taiwan, one korea. everyone was brilliaaaaaaant. Korea was technically great, dynamics were awesome, completely took my breath away. But the rest were also very very good. Had goosebumps, was moved almost to tears a couple of times... Nvr knew local talent cld be so briliiant. :) ! It was a magical night.

Yes i dont ever take shots of myself but im convincing myself to accept it (will share my hypothesis next time). And i thought i look good in this dress. For the first 15 min i was in it la. After tht, i walked to the bus stop and ive been feeling like crap ever since, hahaha. (Perspire like nobodys biz!!)

'if you don't know what to say, tell her that you are proud of her'

only managed to catch this line.. :) lol. his voice is too unique that i can'treally catch his pronunciation.

i'd like that

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/133421/

time and distance~

woke up in the dead of the morning because of really bad cramps... and then this song came into mind 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BFCz1pm4xk8

my mind is troubled... but it's not the time. not right now. (ha haaa yeah....)

//lolllllzzz. just saw the former post, didnt rmb typing that!!! reminds me of a conversation i had 5 years ago... about how diaries, handphones, schedulers even, make peoples' brains lazy- you deposit/throw everything down in pen&paper then forget what it was about.

 didn't want to note this website ive recently been introduced to because i doubt this is something i will read long term but i read someone's comments on a post and it rung true to me: I've just discovered this website and the posts give me shivers. You manage to explain feelings I only thought I felt. Beautiful. .

so here it is, www.thoughtcatalog.com . still dont qte get the concept of it though... me & my compulsion to read/go through every detail when i come across something...

have i also said that rmit accepted me??? hahaha. they did, but they said school term will be mar-dec which is very far-fetched from my expectation (feb-june).

Just heard a choir from welsh. Hauntingly beautiful.. Have not a single idea what they are singing though haha

Woke up cos of bad cramps :( okok i wont drink cold anymore..

I feel like something new and exciting is going to come my way.. I wont deny that there are moments i immerse myself into the 'how about it' situation and get all hopeful.. But, as always, all new endeavours have the possibility of objection, rejection, anynegativewordtion.

Wna board the next train that will take me anywhere- anywhere far away from here and my emotions...
I dont want to be vulnerable again..i cannot do this. :(

Anyway, i just got my offer letter to rmit. The school term is march to dec though.. I always assumed it was feb to june. I dno..i dont rly wna enter the working world at 24 years old :/ but new experience vs dull life ive been living for past 3yrs, ill take the former. Who wouldnt? Lol...

-can i just say that all these mental conflicts disappear when i watch iu...hahaha! I cannot even express how much she brings relief and hope! to my life..

Anyway!!, i got tickets for an acapella concert for THIS SAT and i got an 'okay i dont mind' sister as company... This wont do!!!hahaha either a proper appreciator knocks on my door or she converts in the next 3 days, hahaha. Other than this, IM RLY EXCITED FOR IT! :))) spent like 90$ on this... Zzz. Decision made to go for this was so reckless because ,i dont rmb giving myself such a luxurious bday treat before~ (ok gd excuse. Im convinced!)

found this really good: Being humble means thinking of yourself less, not thinking less of yourself.
i didnt really fancy all those word plays (like afore) cos it's a bit....yknow, act cool.....hahaha. but this one is really true. and JUST SO HAPPENED to be 'word play'

'

You Vs. Feelings 

Everything was just fine. You were content in every sense of the word. Then one day there was a knock at the door and it was your old friend, Feelings. For many of us, we’ve been avoiding Feelings like the plague. We say, “What are you doing here? I haven’t been responding to your calls or texts for a reason.” But Feelings just wants to hang out, spend a little time – do some catching up. It sounds like a dreadful idea. You know how this ended last time. It’s not that you don’t enjoy Feelings’ presence. It has more to do with the fact that Feelings always brings an uninvited guest.
You cave, allowing Feelings to come in. You’ll do a lot of reminiscing. Recalling happy times from the past, debating why you stopped being such good friends. You both know why, but you’ll dodge that discussion to avoid spoiling the positive environment you and Feelings are currently in.
In typical fashion, Feelings invited a friend. That friend’s name is Hope. Hope brought a suitcase upon arrival. That suitcase held a few clothes and some grooming products – only enough for a short stay. At least that’s how it typically works. You’re fully prepared for Hope to be in and out of your home in a timely manner, because that’s the common procedure.
You’re a cautious person, but by spending time with Feelings you’ve slightly changed your thinking. Feelings’ friend Hope needs shelter, and you volunteered your home as a temporary haven. That gesture is powerful. By willingly welcoming Feelings into your humble abode, you’ve altered the entire atmosphere in ways that aren’t immediately recognizable or physically visible. You don’t normally enjoy this. You’ve got a security system installed because you don’t trust people in your home. It staves off thieves who try to steal your belongings for a quick fix. You don’t like people being in your home at all – much less luggage-toting strangers named Hope. In the past you’ve enforced a strict no company rule. This goes against everything you’re comfortable with, but Feelings is persuasive, so you make an exception for Hope.
Things are going surprisingly nice. You’re thoroughly enjoying having Hope around. Feelings tells you, “See, I told you Hope was amazing — you never listen to me!” Feelings will convey all of Hope’s great qualities to you, omitting the bad. Feelings ignores initial red flags and gut instincts, because right now you like Hope, and that’s all that really matters.
You and Hope snuggle on the couch talking about life. Talking about future plans. Telling stories about your teenage stupidity. Talking about guilty pleasures, embarrassing memories and your favorite pizza toppings. Talking about everything, and nothing at all.
You’re growing uncomfortably comfortable with Hope around. The typically irritating habits Hope has aren’t annoying you in the slightest. Why does Hope have to be so flawless and continuously prove Feelings right?
You’re falling. Falling dangerously deep. The lower you get, the darker it should be – but Hope is shining bright, lighting everything up along the way. Because it’s lit up, you’re able to see things you never have in the past. Lower and lower you sink, discovering brand new territories. It’s beautiful down there.
Feelings tells you to relax. To fall. To quit wildly grabbing for something to hang on to, and completely let yourself go. You fall uncontrollably until finally, you land. Hope has caught you. After a lengthy plummet, you’ve found stability. It’s indescribable really. It’s as if Hope has placed you on a solid surface — yet it also feels like your walking amongst the clouds. Feelings tells you that this is what you’ve always wanted – and for all you know, it truly is.
Time goes by and as content as you were alone, you’re twice as joyful and comfortable with Hope and Feelings around. It’s pure happiness. Feelings raises expectations regularly, and Hope continuously exceeds them. How were you able to function before? It was so lonely without company. That’s not how life is meant to be, isolated and closed off. We’re supposed to share it. We’re supposed to invite Feelings over and fall until Hope catches us.
Then you wake up one morning. It may be sudden and unforeseen, or it may have been a long time coming — but Hope is gone. Hope is nowhere to be found. If this has happened before, you know the type of pain you’re about to encounter. If it hasn’t, you’re in for a miserable experience. You’ve been abandoned. You search, and maybe even try to get a hold of Hope, but it’s clear that for now, Hope is gone. You place the blame on Feelings. You didn’t ask for this, Feelings forced it on you. Feelings badgered you until you welcomed Hope, trusted Hope, loved Hope. Now Feelings has completely lost all creditability and trust.
Life appears miserable. It’s just you and Feelings living in your home. You’ve upgraded the security, installing the most protective package available. Feelings has fallen ill and there seems to be no remedy. This sluggish, hopeless version of you is in no condition to nurse Feelings back to health. This is one of the lowest lows. Unfortunately this fall is not beautiful when lit and it doesn’t feel like the clouds.
Feelings’ health begins to improve, but this stay must come to an end. You can’t see Feelings everyday, it’s a constant reminder of Hope, and you don’t want that. The only way to erase the memory of Hope and move forward is to evict Feelings and start fresh. You’re alone again, but it’s secure and that’s comfortable. The days are monotonous, the nights are lonely, but the wounds are slowly healing. Every once in a while a thief attempts to break in, but your security system works wonders.
You sit on the couch. You watch one of your guilty pleasure movies and order a pizza with your favorite toppings. This life isn’t glee, but it isn’t gloom either — and maybe that’s all we can ask for. Days. Weeks. Months go by. You’re stronger but you don’t realize it until later. You reflect a lot and feel a great sense of pride in managing to survive being deserted. When you fall deep for Hope and get left at the bottom, you have to pull yourself and the limp body of Feelings all the way back up. Why would you ever want to drop down there again? This is safe. Safe is content. Content is better than miserable. You’re going to be impervious to heartache. You’ll be unbreakable in the future. This will never happen aga–
There’s a knock at the door. You sit for a few moments, hoping that they’ll go away. They ring the doorbell. You remain quiet. More knocks. They aren’t going anywhere, so you tip toe cautiously toward the door, leaning in to take a look through the peephole. It’s Feelings. With multiple pieces of luggage, and a gorgeous friend.

Read more at http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/you-vs-feelings/#q5dhBQJV0gLYzfQQ.99

Hey. Be cool alright.. Get a grip on reality..... !!!

Omg i sneaked a peek at what ryan watches on nat geo... Polar beas lugging a dead walrus, all bloodied at the neck, to shore for consumption.

Enabarious (spelling?) live....

Too tired t type it agn so i will quote my text in an sms to jerritable :

Race on sat leh.... :((( trained so hard but i doubt ill be on top form cos of my late ngts and anxiety and pressure frm projs.

Ahhh:( i bet im gna have nightmares agn cos i didnt complete what i set out to do.... :(( oh well. Had a good chat with a new friend tdy abt some issues tt i think abt often. How often do i get such a pleasure?! Almost nvr! So yay :) but it was so burdensome cos i needed to summarise my grandma antics

Had such a bad sleep cos i was dreaming abt projects! Again! Hahaha... I was supposed to complete 2 parts ytd and didnt , thats why...

I rmb mtg jc clique last yr during proj period looking like hell, and they commented tt they have nvr seen me so hardworking. Me also! I bet its partly cos im in sim and its a disgrace to barely do well. Not like my hardwork is paying off.... Shall end with a HG quote :

Hope is strong, stronger than fear. A little hope is good, but too much of it is bad.

"You are the answer to every prayer I've offered." -The Notebook (2004)

I must find something else concrete to place my focus on.... Yes. !!!

Actly this is enough : he's out of my league.

Hahaha yes!!must keep reminding myself that. Who am i to think otherwise x(

OMG i said tt id sleep at 12 :(

Sweet gesture of sweep'z :) and CUTE DOGSSSS

Omg. Dad 's shopping spree. Hahaha! TEN PAIRS OF SOCKS :ooo he is crazyyyy ! Haha! He came back from taiwan and was like 'oh i bought socks for yall'. He bought yummy biscuits and 3 v pretty bracelets too :)

Cant imagine my dad being in a shop and selecting these items.. Or not!since he bought 10pairs..!? Haha!!

hope is a dangerous thing... more powerful, more deadly than fear...

:(

'dad, will you join me in my last dance?'

Go c8 !

Q'viva !

The smell of boiling barley.... Omg

Waiting for a call that will never arrive

We are changing. I can look 5 yrs into the future and see you becoming more worldly and humane while i getting dunked into the materialistic world and chasing one opportunity after another.

I dont know-i think i rather such a lifestyle than having people look down at me. Youve done it before and im too sensitive and insecure to handle as such again... Even though ill still prob be spoken illy (omg how do you spell ill-y??) off, at least ill have considerable assets to my name by then. I HOPE. lol.

Got two good friends finally talking to their eyecandies ! And both seem pretty promising. Hahaha. Ok frivolous but , isnt money a frivolous endeavour as well ?

We all were made for more than this. What then is it? Tell me

I dont know how you do it, girls my age should not be able to feel like this with a mere glance anymore

First time being given a slip of paper (that i am a potential (top 3) winner) ! :))) the competition for my category wasnt very strong but im still rly happy nonetheless. ^^ earned some cash too whoo~

Felt kinda cool to be in the sectioned off area for winners next to the stage before prize presentation hawhaw. Ok back to the student life

I must tell myself that im a machine and not feeling anything while doing my task is ok. IT IS OKAY. !

my problem is that while i am awake, physically alert actually, my brain is shut. it's a vacuum...

my head is like a coconut. it's empty - so i think coconut's insides are... come to think of it, i've nvr really seen the inside of a coconut-always steered clear upon seeing them. aren't coconuts smelly ? =x

ok i dont rly know what i'm doing so i'll wake up early tmr.

anyway my back hurts from tdy's trng :(

"Don't be afraid of death. Be afraid of the unlived life." -Tuck Everlasting (2002)

I must live by this!!!

No, im rly tired.. Im merely running on adrenaline and from seeing him today..(hahaha).

Im not waking up today with a 'new week, new start!!!' resolution like i used to.

Siandotcom

How does it feel like to awaken to reality one day and realise that your all effort and time have come to naught?

:'( damn.why am i stupid? ....

The worst thing is that im so used to being this foolish-so much so tht im void of hurt and disappointment at this realisation (of my dumb endeavour). I'm such an embarrassment, a failure. Rly dont want to face tmr..

wow, got a 'message in a bottle (by nicholas sparks)' moment here !

i've forgotten how it feels like to pine for someone, not that i'm complaining! those were bad days. anyway, really liked sth and will share it here :

Is it possible to miss someone you don't even know?

"I wish I had never met you. Then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there." -Good Will Hunting (1997)

Are you for real???? !!!

Im feeling pretty strong during trng these days-yknow, a bit of the 'flying' feeling, fast and relaxed kinda thing- but it dawned upon me ytd... Despite that, im not fast enough. Have you heard?sometimes your best just isnt enough ..

Kinda sucks to know when im nearing my prob last competitive race.. Doubt ill be as strong as now ever..

Was talking t a friend, she asked why i trained so hard-what objectives i serve. And i dont know. In fact, i do concur with the intent of her question / statement .

Sky looks gloomy, so does my mind .....

Anyway i picked a pathetic blanket to sleep with last ngt, ggxx!!!! Was curled up like a koala.

-What has helped me grow as a person is putting myself at the starting line of some of these horrible races knowing that I don't like to run or to bike. However, when I get through with the race the person that comes out the other side is a person that has grown.

-What life throws at you is a lot of negativity. It's what you do with that negativity that makes you a stronger human being. When you hear the words, no, you can't, impossible, never...what do you think to yourself? Do you cower inside and run from the challenge. Or do you face it...head on...asking for more?
Failure is an option. It's what you do with the failure that makes you who you are. Our failures mold us. I have failed at several things in my life.

What sets some of us apart, is that when we fail, we can't sleep at night. It haunts us until we have our time at redemption.

-david goggins

fierce man

When i was 16 and going through that crazy phase in life with all my irrational thoughts and emotions, i did foresee myself being more stable at 20.

Now im 22 but i find myself still irrational and uncontrollable. And id say im in a worse plight than ever. Then, i had a God to lean on to, to be my constant support and listening ear. Now im alone. Completely alone.

I dont know if it was of the Higher being, but i was told that it is my pride - 'wanting to be in complete control of my life'-that is a barrier between Him and i. ...

I slept at 2 and woke up at 830. WELL DONE. Finished part one of research only though... Still have second half. Which im gna forfeit and just go for class :/// oops

Today , mum talked to me abt being angry with a family member. She shared how she has learnt to accept the way people are, how she takes it by her stride and how she deals with nasty comments( from the people closest to you).

Really respect her for these... :/ i dont know how i am going to muster such motherly love...

I must learn how to juggle

http://www.wiggle.co.uk/adidas-ladies-response-ds-short-tight/#buyitem some tights i'm considering

try a thong...?? triathlon ? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sl-QLD5bzPk haahhaha omg so cute !

'I need to share this... I had track trng last evening, only went to bed at 230, Rolled ard till 330, unable to slp cos of adrenaline (my heart was pumping qte hard!). And i just abt rolled ard the entire time till NOW :((( need to get up soon t go for biathlon trng@east coast at 8.. Ggxx :('

Yknow, despite all that has happened, i say with confidence-right here, right now-that i love my family. Ytd night, while walking home, i happened to see something beyond the gates :

My mum was coming out of the driver's seat of her car while my dad was waiting outside with an extended hand on the car door.

It was such a 'typical' scene-and if you read this, youre prob wondering why this is even worth blogging abt- but i was so touched by it that i ran twds them like a kid and hugged my mum so tight. Then i went to my dad and hugged him too. It was a rare moment of seeing my dad showing affections for my mum. Even as i recount this now, im feeling all tingly again... :)

Anyway, i think im very awake and very much emotional because of the adrenaline frm this evening's trng-hahaaaa. But i rly wna note a few things:

Owl city's and carly jae's 'Good times' is rly nice!! :))) i rly loveeee adam young's stuff. Im listening to his 'Enchanted' now- it was written as a response song to taylor swift's enchanted :)

i watched mens triathlon (&womens)... And im majorly inspired by alistair brownlee-gold medalist for 2012 london olympics ! Hes only 24 & currently pursuing a Masters in finance (omg wht am i doing w my life, hahaha). He started out as a crosscountry runner too! His running posture was rlyyyy good, everytime i think abt him running, i feel a mild wave of adrenaline.

Ok alistair wld nvr be awake NOW with a trng tmr at 8am! Gd night!

Just when i thought itd be weird to start dating , i dreamt that yesung and i did. And it was wonderful..........

Crapz. Whats wrong w me, ha ha haaaa

Hes the one on the right! Love his hair colour btw...! He looks rly gd here, but srsly-his real charm shows when he sings

'our senior (citizen)s have sacrificed so much for this generation.'

having been part of the past that shaped my present, i guess that's the reason i hold people older than me in such high regard ...

LOL. Im totally feeling likeaboss just because i finished my work for ONE PROJ. I still have 2 and i hvnt touched my notes even...

God has been reaaaally gracious to me. Even though i get regular coughing fits throughout the day, He spares me when i sleep. Every night since wed.

It is 'tremendous' because the last time i had a cough, i had interrupted sleep (frm coughing fits:( ) for close to a month.... I still rmb how i burst into tears many oft a time then- i was sooo tired but was kept awake from the coughs...

(yeah.. Im gna check out track olympics now cos ive nvr been awake for its live recordings ha.) oh gosh, am reminded of the hunger games...

If i had a swimmer boyfriend, this is what id tell him:

When you're thrashing your body out in the pool, the water would block out all sounds and you wouldnt be able to hear me-but know that im somewhere in the mass of crowds screaming my lungs out for you!

Dragged myself to church tdy cos i half heartedly signed up for some tuition ministry, but it turned out better than expected :) went back, rested a while and started prep for picnic w lionel swee youbz danny and zhenhao at marina barrage ! It was organised also to watch the fireworks~ (which were blocked by MBS... so, dont go barrge if you wna see fireworks!!)

I cooked broccoli w stuff cos i rly love steamed broc. But the broc taste was soooo overwhelming, it was bad :(( ohwell. Had a rly good time anyway... even though at 1130pm, i was still out @.@

i indulged (in unhealthy food) a little too much, laughed a little too loud, got excited a little too unnecessary... So my sore throat is pretty baaaad now :/

Nonetheless, i had a rly good time with these ppl! :) -thus my activity of naming them all.

I will go to (grace MC-wayejies) church tmr cos i made a commitment too! Prob will slip in an easy run in evening cos if not the break will be too long...

Picture: Us all! While waiting for swee n youbz. #supergoodpicnic! Everyone turned out to be rly excited AND prepared for the outing :))) we were saying : this picnic is too successful because we have so much food leftover!

Wanted to wait up at 645 to run but its 930 now x((( now im gna be late for some church appt thinggg. Lolz

Didnt know ytd's self trng was so tough on me! And im coughing like &;&&:!:: . Thank God that i nvr coughed once!!:) during my sleeps, thus far... :)

Eating alex's toy for bfast. Hahahaha

I find him rly good looking B-)

The second picture is sth i saw on facebook. Very sweet!

Ok i shld get on with my project PREPARATION..

Why is it that the older we get, the more aware and sensitive i am about my surroundings ???! I nvr used to care abt what others thought of me. That made things so much simpler and easier t handle.

Anw, attended a ceremony (actly we were so late tt we were in time for lunch only) for the awarding of fang's scholarship of a sum of money. Good stuff... !

Im tired....not physically... But tired of the commitments im forced to make :/ i think. I dont know even.. I wish i were more self assured (#irritating!! #stopwhiningabtthesamething)

Am i very lame for skipping team dinner to rush home for the olympics? Hahaaa.

(Omg but the mens synchronised diving is so gd! I find it sooo heartwarming that they all count to three differently (ie in their own lang). HAHA ok i think tt sounded dumb-i dno how to put tt in proper words )

So, so glad that the wkend is over.... It was heck of one.... And i saw him too, so ,yay~ hehe.

Omg soooo hot!!!! @.@"

'Racing is against yourself, not your competitors. Competitors are present to help you push yourself to new limits, not for you to be limited by them.'

Said by ruiyongtaufooz. Wise words..

My friend mentioned tt he gets lethargic if he sleeps too much. Last ngt, i slept for abt 6-7 hrs only, as compared to my usual 8-9. I feel so awake! :) yay~~~~~ xx

lol! starhub automatically signed me up for 'connecting tones'-the music people hear when they call me instead of the usually ringing sound. which prob will cost me 2.14 $ . anyhow, i'm reminded that grandma missed call me twice ytd...

i wonder how she feels about one direction's song : More than this ~ hahahhaha

Rly tired so ill keep it short.

1 happy with tdy's trng :) so happy that when i was walking home, i had an urge t sing. First song tt came to mind was a song abt God's greatness. This incident made me think of the phrase : praise God not only in the gd times, but in the bad ones as well. Which is exactly how my life has been!-when im happy, godly songs come to mind.when im sad,i think of emo nemo whiny ones.this nvr occured to me !

Makes me wonder... Shldnt i be more desperate and helpless during bad times?so much so that i hv nowhr to turn to and cry out to God..

2 friend kept putting me down aft trng abt my run techniques. Got pretty affected. But mini talk w jammy rly helped. Rly admire how shes so self assured and confident. I dno why im so insecure :( anw two things:

-how you portray yourself will determine how others treat you.
-i wna change myself. But i cant change by taking on more initiative roles and being more proactive or whatever... If i really want to change, i must change inwardly! In my speech, and more imptly in the way i THINK.

If you want to know what God is trying to tell you, look at past experiences.

When youre doubtful of the future, look at the path your past took and you'd see just how God was working, and will cont to work, in your life.

This should last me till i meet him. .... The satisfaction not much anyway !!! @.@ stares at self

'I never seek to defeat the man i am fighting. I seek to defeat his confidence. A mind troubled by doubt cannot focus on the course to victory.

Two men are true equals only when they both have equal confidence.'
-Admiral Yamamoto Isoroku from Memoirs of a Geisha

Whats tht song abt a girl being under a boy's 'spell'-or charm

Technology advancement and the internet aids us in getting things done better, faster. But it did not teach us how to make the best of it, to greater enhance our lives - "the information revolution came without an instruction manual"

Curse of our generation. 'the joy of quiet' is a read tht brings great comfort and relief to my perplexed mind

230am and still wide awake.... I rly hate staying up late!!! But i feel so awake. And my stomach is aching because i didnt have dinner... Supposed to do my 12 hrs fast tmr but im alr getting pretty agitated from the lack of consumption...

No school tmr, hope i do sth useful w the day. Tdy was pretty good

1 ive directed 90% of my mails to my new email- YES I GOT A NEW EMAIL.

2 Was soooo drained frm 1. & wanted t take a nap before getting rdy for sch but i didnt !-so i was only 30min late for class :x

3 pretty happy w my swim trng tdy. Did 6.50min for 400m! It's an achievement for me..hope to cut it to sub 6... I hear the faster ones doing low 5 and..its madness hah

4 got a few bugs in my room now :/ HOW TO SLEEP. UGH... And my hair feels so heavy, and like its trapping heat or sth @.@ okay im notthinking straight at all because 1 im pretty drained now and 2 im soooo hungry :(

'What did i know of life, i who had lived so carefully? who had neither won nor lost, but just let life happen to him?'
-The sense of an Ending

as i said, i'm reading a book on a 60 year old man reflecting on his life. this quote resonates painfully in my core because-

at the rate i'm gng, THAT is going to be my life statement. living life as it is and not being initiative in the various aspects of my life.

ah....having a headache now =/ how am i supposed to go full gear

So many times i feel like breakingdown but im reminded of unicef&the cries of the hungry&struggling.. It makes me think,are 1stworldprobs rly frivolous and less important?

This morning, i woke up. And felt like crap. But i start to think abt superjunior and crazy antics...and it lifts my spirits up so much :)

been thinking about it..... and i'm thinking of this "education has made people lazy". would love to discuss this

but people either dont care or will impose their thinking on me when all i'd want is to question different perspectives amiably haha.

While people do make impressions on me, guys rarely make a 'more than okay' one. One did though. And i just found out he's a very good friend's friend! HAHA. This is gna be fun. #cheapthrill #squealoveranything

(Stupid facebook. My latest endeavour as a stalker makes me want to puke. Ha)

Anyhow~ im currently reading a book called A sense of an ending. Im > 1/2 way through the book but i still dont quite get the point of the book.. Or many of the situations laid too. This protagonist is like Katniss from HungerGames-thought processes being v high lvl lol- but presented in modern-by modern i dont mean modern NOW but modern like post war- classy British english slang. So just take my thought processes and tie them into pretty and frilly things like flowers and ribbons pls. Thanks, ha haaa.

Got some rly good stuff out of the book though! Fresh-to me- perspectives on random stuff. Shall share it here one day. AFTER thad's memorial run + PD ! @.@

School has been a drag thus far....i need to work on my punctuality....

Im a loser... Decided not to train for this whole week. And now im wondering what to do after school tdy, what to do tmr since ive no school ....and nothing comes to mind @.@ except maybe to read my book... (ive a policy of not studying for the first week of school lol)

Nooo :( told myself to sleep at 11... But i slacked/napped in my room from 1130-2am @.@

Am sooo tired and angry at myself now...

"i always believed that people needed a good solid reason for racing but i come back from last wkend's race wanting to go back agn! no noble reason except that i really like what i felt then (and my competitive side adds: to better my timing and position of course).

thanks to all tht liked my previous post abt my debut tri race! i take it as your support for me and i really appreciate it :) ♥ "

haha okay just a heads up, i 're-post' stuff to here from fb cos i censor some stuff on fb itself. and also blogger posts have higher longevity lol.

have sooooooooo much to say abt portdickson! being my first tri race and all-WHOOOOOOO~~- , the experience was mind blowing. shall relive another time

i'm here to say , i came back from the race with 4 facebook requests. HAHAHAHAHHAHA ( i'm laughing to try ease the tension)..... just find it cool that i made so many friends over the trip. one i barely talked to even...just a friend's friend , oh hi there -shake hand- thing. but cool nonetheless! i hope i strengthen my friend base.

was telling sis that even though i'm 22, i think i'm spending more this year for friends' 21sts > last's. lol

Felt the first gust of cool air ytd :) hope its the first of many more to come!!

Every other day, i encounter something minor but worth taking note-whixh obviously i dont. Because doing it on fb is too lame. Tweets have v short life span. Ive nowhere t write it down-all of my randon notebooks are for reflective stuff. Im too lazy t cm blogger t type it down...LAZY?! it dawned upon me tt it takes a mere tap to come here. So im here tngt.

First off, i had a bloody horrid swim tngt @.@ prob from the 2wk hiatus...zzz. The feeling-of struggling- was sooooo terrible.

Ok anw, there was a new boy. when we made acquantainces, pls note tt we two were alone then- .:. Any queer ness is magnified arbitrary-fold haaa. Heres how the conversation went

Sry you are?
T hi im tiffany. You?
A im alex
T oh~! (mood eases significantly) thats my rabbits name

Just as quickly, i closed up agn because i noticed his averse body rxn. And i was thinking , WHAT, why did you say that @.@ you dont go up to a stranger and tell them that your pets name is the same as theirs. !!!

Zzz, hahaha. He was rly nice abt it though and gave an 'interesting' response-ok jan thought it was weird lolzzz. Hah im not gna comment any further cos i think we mgt bcm friends, seems decent.

Gng town w sis tmr. Damn, i feel like shopping. :(

Gng for mg trng tmr! :))) yay

been thinking about how i have forgone a lot of activities that bring joy to my life because they are perceived to be a 'waste of time'. but i'm reminded that if sth makes me happy, then the time spent on it is a good investment. furthermore, not doing things that i enjoy means that i'm wasting my life away right?

rawthoughts

1. why? why do you go around my life and discourage me, and put me down like that?
i can just imagine you being tied to a chair, hair in a messy rage, sweat trickling down your neck and blood streaming down the left side of your face.... while i'm ten feet away, weight against my palms on the table. i'm dripping with sweat too, agaped at the reality/surreality of all that is happening. my eyes are cast downwards... with fear, with confusion, with hatred, then back with confusion again. my knees are buckling, my ankles are struggling to keep me standing up.

slowly i lift my gaze to your tiredsome worn out face. i stare straight into your bloodshot spiritless eyes, and i ask you the question that i started this post with.
i feel that i've learnt to hurt people. keyword: learnt. that means i was taught this lesson by someone. and sometimes i take this lesson and execute it against my teacher too. i feel really bad, but then i think, wasn't it you that taught me all these?


2. haha, ohwell....... himym really made my day. jenny and i discussed this before; barney is such a playerrrr (a character of the world which we realllllly detest) yet we still feel a certain connection towards him. our reason was because he has caused our expectations of him to lower so much that when he does sth sweet for a girl, it IS a big deal.

now, i'm thinking of another reason. because we find ourselves in him. maybe we aren't flawed in the sense taht we are v sexually immoral, but we fail terribly in another aspect. yet, he eventually manages to find his footing in life :) ( YES , if you got it and you hvnt watched s6 of himym, THAT'S RIGHT. I SPOILT THINGS . HAHAHA)


3. aww man. i'm youtubing sth rly embarrassing now which i wont even say here for my future self to be reminded of... but it's making me reallllly warmthy inside :)

-this was from 2011, between the 4th and 9th month. WOW, i'm scary when i'm angry haha

some things tt i wna rmb from kiss dating goodbye

if you've been following, you'd know that i recently dragged myself through a book called 'kiss dating goodbye' -for a selfish motive really, but turned out to be a blessing in disguise- and i've learnt qte a fair bit! decided to share it here, it will be a good reminder to all out there.

firstly: Redeeming the time-Making the most of your singleness
1. Hustle while you wait
This means that we are not to waste the time we have on our hands. God entrusted us various talents and gifts, and expects us to to guard and use them wisely. 'Will we give Him a return on His investment in us?' Before we even begin a romantic rship, we have work to do! -Bad habits to get rid of, good habits to develop and character to build.

2. 'Watering camels'
The story of Rebekah (from the bible)-about how she met Abraham's servant while she was performing her daily task of collecting water from some well. The impt point to note is that "Rebekah was able to meet God's divine apptment for her life bcos she was faithfully carrying out her current obligations".

3. Practice now!
In that, you practice the skills that are required for married life now. Skills such as:

-Intimacy with closed ones present in one's life now (eg. family members)

-Seeking God with others (starting off with family first, then branching out to close, trusted friends)
-Financial responsibility (self explanatory!)
-Parenthood
-Practical life skills
The point of all these is not for the sole purpose of getting married though, one must note! The real reasons for these is so that one can grow in maturity and Christlikeness. becoming a good spouse is just a by-pdt.


There are-of course-other lists to help single people in this journey if they are struggling. Come ask me to borrow the book if you're interested, i'm tired of typing, haha! i wna share one more section of the book-though not related to dating :
This last chapter is entitled: Someday I'll have my own story to tell.
It started off with Josh recounting the story of how his parents met. his dad was onstage playing the guitar, his mum was one of the audiences and attracted his attention. after the gig, he approached her- very hesitantly of course (i'd imagine the mum to be rather attractive cos josh is qte good looking himself, haha !) .

ANYWAY, this is what josh said of his dad : " here, someone my age, grips me. at this point in his (josh's dad) life, he has only recently returned to the Lord and to his hometown of dayton. i steal closer to my mum's table when i notice my dad try to appear aimless as he wanders in her direction. i had forgotten that as a young man, my dad faced an unknown and confusing world too. "

that struck me cos i have never thought abt things that way. (even though jan told me about rmbing that my parents started out as kids before, venturing into the unknown and taking risks all...)
OKAY, to end off the post, i quote josh's last line of the book:
I encourage you (and continue to remind myself) to write a love story with your life that you'll feel proud to tell.

-next up will be on thad's memorial run!!

Sian... Have not ran since thurs :/ and i doubt i can slot in a run today...

"My main purpose is to publicise,&cfm, tt cyclists are bldy arrogant (if not very showy) ppl. My patience is tremendously tested hanging out w them. Like tonight." that was from tweeter.

Whoa this tom or is it dan or john... Haha, wtv man, its too insig. He kept asking sharm, '(condescending laughter), where did you pick THIS (referring to me) from'. I shut up because

1 i dont deny that im lousy
2 ultimately, im the one who benefits from tonights bike ride and i owe it to him. Lol
3 i console myself that while hes busy mocking others, when i reach his age-or just give me a few more years actly-, im going to be much more successful than him. Im gna be engaging in sth that is much more worthwhile and impactful rather than dissing younger, less experienced people.

Thats how i always calm myself down when people make fun of me. Wow, suddenly im reminded tht A LOT of different people actly ridicule me...whether its just teasing or insulting, you shldnt treat me like that ha. Because u do so anw, im entitled t respond w 3.

This condescending trait of cyclists is v distinctive! I think it stemmed partly from the confidence they require to cycle on rd. Because when you show your fear on the road, the monsters will react and taunt u further.

Ok anger moment over.

Am waiting for germany v greece match ltr! And~ i cycled for the first time by myself on road ^^ whooooo~ daebak! Ok tht was weird haha

I was initially pretty sour abt being 'unprody'. But I try to see my time now for honing myself before im adequate enough for God t tell me wht my life plan is

been feeling (and thinking) very lousy of myself lately...

anywayyyyyyyyyy~ today's swim was reallllly tiring @.@ (it was the first swim trng with sim aqua after 999 months. i must give myself due credit though -it's not that ive not exercised in a long time, i was prob very lethargic from my useless dayz. lolzxz...

} thought i was over it already but today managed to revive some emotions. WHY?!?!!!!! hahaha i really dont know what's wrong with me... i must be too free, too free that i can nurse these useless thoughts. was so not being myself... and i realllllly DETEST being anybody but thy self. ok thank you ^^v

"sometimes I feel quite frustrated that I'm not doing anything/feel like I should do something useful w my time....zz but like I'm trusting that God will reveal His plans in His time and I can't rush things too"

'trust God to reveal His plans in His time'. I must hold on to tht!!

Dad's it:

Still, theres one more milestone of my daughter's life i fear. I know the day will eventually come when Mum says,"right, neil, take care of the boyfriend."

Neil Humphrey

There comes a point during the process when sluggish turns to energy, when angst turns to adrenaline, despair to passion.

And this transition changes in just a mere 15min interval. One extreme to another. Im here to note down what causes the change, because i loathe always waking up to the first stage. I dont know what it is though-i noted the wind agnst my face, breaking into cool air, and the ease of my feet pumping. Thats it. But tht changed my whole state.

Zzz mum just killed me twice tdy.

The first, her response when i said 'i think ive impressed quite a few adults i encounter in my life'. She said 'why are they impressed? Is it because they see a 22years old girl with no ambition? (GENUINELY o.o) people usually at 21yrs already have a goal in life-to be a dentist, to set up a business etc-but they see tt you are still so slack, you live life without bothering about such things' um....

And the second time, just to quote her 'you can give advice to people because it is your passion (okay, thats peoples perception of me only). You may not be good at the sport-what biathlon or triathlon- but you have been at it for so long'.

Wow thanks for the encouragement..
Is this sort of parenting good enough an 'excuse' for my lack of self esteem? Lol, cos thats how i dismiss my lack of drive, direction, my inadequateness.

HAHA had dinner w extended family ytd. San gu asked why i did not join jenny for mission trip to cambodia, i replied straight off, 'because i dont like someone in the team'. She made me repeat it twice HAHA, was that too frank? Lolz..

'yes ill follow my commands and shoot you' "to follow yr convictions or the ctry's?" 'arent they the same?'

Letters from Iwo Jima (or sth)

Got a pimple on my LIP and at my chin.... Its rly annoying... Just put some deadly cream on it-deadly cos the pain is excrutiating :(((( here to say: i hope the pain will be worth it. Its BURNING, oh maaaaan :'(

This is rly childish but , i looked at the mirror and had a gd stare at myself. Omg, so depressing.hahaaaaa. I know im supposed to love how i look cos im 'beautifully and wonderfully made' -anyway i shldnt care cos its the inside tt matters more than the outside- but i was still sad. I look like a wreck @.@

But wtv, the pain is crazy

Had a terrible night.... Felt so mentally deranged the entire time.... Thank God it was a short one. Am up now to send sis off to cambodia

LOL this uncle added me on fb. We're gna attend an event tgt so 'you hv to find me and say hi ok? I think it will be easier for you to find me than the other way round'. HAHAHA so cute.... And he added 'i will be with raphael' whom im assuming is his son. Only that i dont know who his son is, haha! Its v cute to see how the older generation interact on social mediums.

I dno if the nightmares were of my own, of an unknown force or the book

I hope i dont get hunger gameswithdrawal syndromes

I'm no good with people. Thats probably why i have a natural instinct to back off relationships when they become intense.

Anyway im meant to be alone.

Just finished 3 chpts of HG. Every chpt ends w a cliff hanger.... And suspense doesnt sit well with me at all. So i squeeze nxt t jan&fang and shall tolerate slping like this tngt lol.

Making i shld stop reading when im mid chpt. Then agn, ithink ill finish the bk tmr. Cldnt restrain myself and flipped the pages ard....... Prim dies? :((( gale&katniss are separated... And it seems like President snow is defeated, but the new leadership is equally stifling. Ahh @.@

'Panem et Circenses' = bread and circuses. Ie, in return for full bellies and entertainment, political responsibilities-therefore power- is to be given up.

For the Capitol, food and entertainment wld be provided at the expense of the districts. As long as these 'keep rolling in', the little empire is controlled.

been meaning to give a review of my recent trip with my extended family to australia. (will be concentrating ONLY on australia itself)
disclaimer: the statement 'it doesn't matter where you go, it is the company that matters' rings true for the trip. the family made the trip that much more bearable.

was not looking forward to gg to perth at all. when the family decided on the destination, i even made a mental note to decline when asked-it was janny that put my name down anyway. the reasons i did not want to go to perth are because 1 perth is in australia, rmit is in australia and i hate rmit .:. i did not want to have anymore associated with the ctry lol 2 i went to perth in 2005 with mg fr a 'sports trip' and the experience was really bad (not only because the only person i was acquantained with was my roommate. i just did not like the feel i got when i was there)

so anyway i am back from australia alive, not regretting the trip but with a renewed vow that i'll nvr nvr nvr nvrrrrrrrrr go back there...!!! not in the mood to phrase my experiences like a prose-cos that requires more energy than the ctry deserves frm me-so i'll just pt form them

1 perth is very relaxed-to a pt where they seem inefficient and wasteful of their resources (sth which i cant stand). the whole atmosphere is very slow paced-cant say that abt their workers though, so i dont know what the contributing factor is- and the shops are almost perpetually closed lol!

2 while some citizens are friendly-sth that i agree with; i dont like how singaporeans avoid acknowledgement w strangers because we all belong to the same (human) race.i find it disrespectful and inhumane not to acknowledge another's presence lol- others are racist. we only encountered a few racist ppl but these experiences are enough to overthrow everything else. it angered me greatly and caused me to think of perthians as close-minded, ignorant and dumb. i'm SORRY haha but this is a sensitive issue ,man!

3 the variety of food sorely lacks. a friend pointed out that my family avoided the many different cuisines available . but, i'm in freaking australia. i want to eat some aussie food, not italian- i can do that at home or in italy itself (^^ !!!!!!!!!!!).

cant think of anymore, and skywayyyavenue.tumblr.com cant provide more pters (hehe). so i must talk abt 3 good...encounters in australia (ctry related! no talking abt my family- that will take too long. my family is awesome)

1 one night, on our drive home, everyone was pretty stoned because it was 7pm (that's akin to singapore 11pm LOL the sun sets early). joel korkor switched on the radio-OHYES THE RADIO. DAMN THE RADIO :/ whole day advocating free sex. what a turn off-and after few days of tuning in, you sort of get aussie's style and can sing to their songs-yes they repeat songs like mad. i was still pretty awake and a catchy song came up. (dno how not t sound weird BUT) i started bobbing to the it, getting into the whole feel of the song and looked out of the car. just when i turned, a guy from the adjacent car turned too and was bobbing as well. in sync some more. BEST, i dont know abt him but i felt majorly awkward and instintively turned back and froze. LOL. the second time our cars passed, he and his friends were looking at me and laughing. wtv it is, as what jan said, that guy was not bad looking! haha!

2 ran on two of the mornings. EXCELLENT weather for runs :) i like the mornings, at 645 and it's pretty bright alr

3 everything is massive there. i like big spaces as i feel unrestrained.

4 went for fremantle's prison tour (which was really ex actly) but it sparked the prison break passion i had 3yrs ago so whoo :) is it just me or are prison stuff v interesting...

next up, some pointers from kiss dating goodbye!

Cant see the pt of rushing to wash up now for church...... Its the place for the broken, for humble and real people and all... Yet i feel that its one of the places whr i 'need' to act like i got it all tgt

I pray that all these superficiality will fade away and matter no more. Im rly tired of trying to fit in....

My self identity crisis is working up again.. Who and what i am? @.@

everytime i get overwhelmed, or
lose my sense of place in this society,

i lose all these negativity after a mere session with my running shoes

it's so crazy really, that running means so much to me. people keep telling me how amazed they are at my dedication (or love) for running-i woke up 2hrs earlier>rest during aus trip twice jst t run in e frosting weather (ok that on another day. the run was a good exp haha)- , but i tell them straight to the face: to be honest, i hate it. but it makes me feel good. it makes me feel alive. (its ironic really, feeling more alive the closer you are to death.)

WHY THIS LOVE-HATE RELATIONSHIP???? :( ha ha ha...

oh gosh, anyway prison break is getting crazy. thank God episode 7 ended on a safe note. jenni and i can go slp in peace now............... adrenaline..... @.@

ok, tmr i'm gna wake up at 9am and make my phone call to sim at 10am. then i will start on japan. i really dont know how to get cfmation...but i guess i'll just move along and get things gng. anyway, if things are meant to be, it will work out right? and if it is against God's will then thigns wont. and that will my indication to stop. or to do sth else about it. i hope this doesnt mean that i'm testing You, God... becaues that is not my intention at all...!

alright i better stop, i'm too shaken by prisonbreak....

#can i just add that , 1 i have no idea how i went through this last time O.O
2 this show was what kept me going during my crazy j2 days... i rmb trudging through the week-through the early mornings, crazy confusing lectures, energy sucking trngs, and all over again- except on thurs. thurs mornings always saw me up and chirpy and driven. a spontaneous determination to get through the day well and alive, do a good and efficient trng so that i can rush home by 10pm to catch prison break. :) ah, prison break kept me going through the week man.... sounds good, eh? but the all too well known phrase came up : all good things come to an end. how did my 'good thing' end? our tv broke down on us so that was the end of looking-forward-to-thursdays-energy..............

ps kiss dating goodbye was qte a bore for me cos i found it unapplicable with all the 'no-sex', 'no lustful thoughts', 'no coverting' and 'no physical intimacy' etc etc etc talk..-dont even have anyone remotely close in my life now- but twds the ending chpts, it is beginning to make sense to me. and i was guilty of certain stuff they talked abt before, so maybe this is a good time to critically reevaluate my past and more so, what caused me to think in such a manner. 'nip the problem at its bud'


ok gd ngt future me :)