I had a dream last night that caused me to jolt out of my sleep when the alarm rang. 

I was crouching with 2-4 people, frantically meddling with some equipment. I was dirty, affected from the heat, i was exhausted, and i knew that what i was doing was helping the enemy. But i rationalised that i was doing so as to stay alive and be able to help my family after. There was a little girl, of about 5years old, sitting at the edge of our group. She too was crouched, but staring on as we wanted to her to rest, we didnt want to taint her hands w such blasphemous work. She was such a well behaved girl, i made extra effort to keep her within my peripheral vision. And then i saw the manlike lady soldier enter. 

She resembled ms trunchbull from matilda, except much skinner and fitter. She was holding her rifle in position, aiming it at the little girl, taking slow calculated steps towards her. I could feel the little girls eyes widening in fear, but she kept her gaze on the solider- so strong yet fearful... Her body stiffened, hoping that her good behaviour would disinterest as a target.

All this while, my crouching comrades and I continued w our charge. We started missing the cranks and nooks, we increased frequency raising our arms to wipe sweat w our sleeves. And then we heard the shot. Our hands froze momentarily, and then scrambled around more quickly. 

The child's whimpers floated to my ears and i took in a heavy sigh of relief. She is still alive. I made a mental note to care for her and take her in as my own after this ended. 

But then i heard the 2nd shot of persistence. This time i completely stopped what i was doing. I was shivering w indignity and anger and fear. Fear kept me from standing. I wanted to run over to the child and protect her from the bull so so so badly. I was crying, shaking, and hyperventilating. How could fear chain my legs and sense of humanity. 

The child let out an uncontrolled shriek and instinctively tried to go back to her curled ball of submission. I remember my fears being comforted, at least shes still alive. I still can atone for my mistakes. 

When i heard the 3rd gunshot, my dream ended. 

What is it im struggling to stay alive for???

I didnt realise that fear of survival could cripple my sense of humanity this badly.

Is it my environment or deep set flaws surfacing

 

Intwrwsing article. Extremely sarcastic but well written 

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/sorry-recruiters-youre-getting-my-salary-history-liz-ryan

Just spent the last 3.5hrs finishing jangbori up. Note to future self not to watch this again. Ever. I usually try to hold my tears in, esp in the presence of another. But even w alex around, i uncontrollably bawled my eyes out at so many scenes over the last episode. 

Its alex's first following a kdrama, and i think it possibly might be his last haha. We were addicted man...

What i couldnt understand was , everytime the final scenes of the evil woman came up, or even when i thought about her after the show, tears rolled incessantly. She was fed her 'retribution'. Was filled w so much sorrow for her. It rly doesnt make any sense to me, because i wanted to slap her through the screen sooo many times during the drama. 

Sigh. So upset. Lol. Omg. :/ 

How long more do i have to endure this...

Always so nice to have someone pick you from work!:)

This guy...is enroute to becoming my kdrama partner. 

Take out pen and paper all to map the complications. Committed audience!

 It was just any other weekend yet it was so eventful. 

Watched Gerrard's last lvp match

It was a very emotional (yet agonising.. Whats new haha) match to watch. But it was in the comforts of my room and with al. And it meant so much to share the same passion w someone, whom i just so happen to meet 7yrs ltr and is my bestie. 

Supported ncl's team at soccer the next morn, of which got trashed haha. It was v nice hanging out with them, very sincere people. 

Hv yet to figure the kind of image i want to portray when with them. 

Cheapskate. Hahaha. 

Baseball after weeks of whining. It was shit. !!!

Impromptu picnic at west coast just before sunset. Our dinner was so noob compared to the bangla's of shengsiong mangoes and chips. 

Hahahaha

Serenity

The more you admit 'i dont know' , the more you will seek and the more you will discover. The earlier one admits, the sooner one understands. 

I guess that it is the mere possibility of realisation that one may refuse this journey. More often, one uncovers more questions, more doubts. And so, ignorance is preferred and is the easier choice. 

We get so caught up in the now till we forget that not pursuing means we eventually are struggling in the same spot. 

Dont get me wrong, being in the same spot is fine... But the key word is contentment and fulfilment, not stagnancy...

Because i dont even know if stagnancy is a legit word