So anyway.... I just completed two books, two of my friend's jc lit texts....

Brave new world and Disgrace, chronogically. I rly dno how to put wtv is swimming , or rather, struggling in my mind. Im having a lot of thoughts in regards to the main themes brought up in both books. I feel too incoherent in my thoughts tt i dont even know how to express myself. Its gta do with life& death , that i can say... And maye, like, the purpose in life?...i tried explaining my thoughts in words tdy and it came out as "suddenly im asking myself what is the meaning of life? Every week, the main things i do are to train and go church,: but are all these even necessary?" BUT my struggling thoughts arent even to do w "my purpose in life".

But rather..more of, what can humans do in life to make their time worthwhile.... Yes, thats it! Sth like tt :) i conjure up many activities that a human does t pass time, eg study read books meet friends exercise keep the house clean etc, and all these seem meaningless. Not because we are just gng to die anyway.. But because these activities seem like sth to while away time till its time for us to die. Get it? It rly scares me... :/ ok not scare, but disturbs.

An example was given in Disgrace ; (sth like) i imagine myself 20years later, old and haggard and bent. Its in the aftn and i just had a light breakfast and my morning walk. Im in my room with a cup of coffee, a weathered lumpy bed, and a few stacks of yellowed paper lying ard (he is a professor). Slowly, i lower myself to bed and wait till it is evening time to prepare myself dinner for sustenance. "

After that extract, he moved on to another scene. Those few lines struck me. Because it gave the illusion that there is all to an old person's day. And it was scary because it isnt an illusion..

Ok i hate to use my grandma as an eg but i was thinking abt her, and dad, when i read tht. She wakes up, makes breakfast ,goes to the mkt. Aft she has lunch, chats w neighbours till dinner time thn has dinner. Same for dad, except tt he goes to the office and his mahjong club. Its like, they r just filling their days, their time w activites till its time for them to go. So i look at my mum who is busy as hell..and it gave me the perception tt shes doing alot of impt stuff and the world will cease wo her. But through scrutinised eyes, we know tts not true. So im not satisfied doing nth or doing alot. And dont even talk abt this in regards t older ppl; even for myself. What am i doing? (anyway t anyone whos reading, i THINK i mgt be gng off topic? My main pt/ fear is stated above ; tt we r filling our days w activities t while away our time instead of sitting ard to wait to die). Whats the point of living , yknow what i mean?

Just received a letter frm National Organs Transplant Act too; to inform me tt when i die, they will donate my four vital organs up for transplant. I decided t sign a form and donate every part of my body for any purposes (eg education) other than transplant. Reading the info bklet frm NOTA brings abt the scene i hv in my mind frm bravenewworld(clinical, white, big, mass produced,void of feelings..etc)

Oh but anw i had the best bus exp ever! I was running for a bus but didnt manage to catch it. I actly reached jst before the bus' front door tho! But he drove off simul. I was rly sad cos he drove forward till the max and stopped, presuming-ably to wait for the cars t go first at the main rd. But he stopped bcos he saw me running and stopped for me! I didnt know tho.. Only realised it aft a while when the bus door opened and one of the bus passengers popped his head out and signalled for me t go t him. WOOHOOZ i was rly grateful!! (not tt i was rushing for time. Haha) ok tts all i wanted t note. Gdngt. Anddd im waking up in four hrs t go for a morning run at mrr. Hahaha niceee.

This is my thoughts and i , as im lying on my hard uncomfy bed w my teddy bear and lamp shining upon me ~