It's a Dream until you begin. Then it's a Goal.

i'm getting rather disturbed by his emails. he has been reminding me to be focused which i am so not complying to. and i think hes getting annoyed at me. i think he's getting fed up with me :( i dont like that feeling. of people getting disappointed with me.

oh and know what i abhor more? my mind now when i run. dear me. whenever i'm running now, my mind conforms to the negative pains of it. i don't think of the ending anymore; i don't think how i'd feel after the run as my stride length small-ens and legs pump more slowly.(was it even 'moving' in the first place?) i don't think about the consequences of my actions at that point of time. and that sucks..like a black hole in the universe. because when i finally come to my senses, stop circling my thoughts ard emptiness (a.k.a. stoning) and come back to earth, i'm thinking what the hell? what on earth am i doing?

i'm not focused anymore.

and after the run, i've no reason to be upset. i've no reason to be disappointed with myself. of them all, i've no excuse to him about my run. i'm emotionless after running! i can't cry over my crap trg(i've to watch my words). who'd lament over something he nvr did, something he nvr worked for? (yeah in the dual way) i can't rejoice over the crap training either. then again, do i consider that a training?

i hate thinking over my run. when i do, i'm reminded of the time(s) when i slowed down so as to be at ease (cross country is a freaking endurance trg man). i'm reminded of the times i took the 'easy way out'. i am reminded of the time when i gave up. i'm a weakling. i'm a chicken. i'm a whateverweakthingsthereareintheworld. and i'm as healthy as can be. am i still running for Christ?

ok i think i'm fine after all the rambling. (i'm getting very nervous abt tmr's trg. abt facing the same feelings all over again.) --> it's not that i don't put in effort; i do! but not all my effort(in trg). and i dont know why. and it's such a baseless excuse. i'm portraying myself as a defeat. blah.

on to some humour(hahahaa):
Strive to be at the top because the bottom is already crowded.
Keith Davis