yesterday's highlight of the day was surreal. it felt like it didn't happen at all, yet it has impacted me greatly; till now. this feeling, however, is not something of what i feel after i've ran a super good race or anything. it's something more personal, emotional and lasting. i don't want to elaborate too much on it because i dont want to be reminded of this(as in the situation) ever again. but if you guys come here (though i highly doubt it), thanks for the love.

(dont read on if you're busy man! haha)
actually then again, after reading Bev's email abt the little boy who had to throw a brick at the rich guy to get his attention, i might as well not leave any blanks. what i mean is that God has placed in my life many wonderful people to help me along my life and to pick me up when i'm down; yet i don't see them or rather i choose not to see them. God has to use such force to push me to the brick of tears, so that i can learn that i can't stand alone. i can't function by myself. no can work on their own.

jesse and shern organised for a grp prayer before church ytd for the a and o level takers.

i was half an hour late cos my parents were arguing in the morning. daddy couldnt be bothered to cont the argument after a while and went to the carpark with rachel, ryan and i following after. after about 10 minutes did janell then come down. when daddy saw her, his face twisted. he was infuriated. he shouted for her to stand in front of him. jan normally will ignore him(shes the only one that dares do that) but she could tell he wldnt stand for that attitude now so she obeyed. and at the same time, explained to daddy why she was late. but daddy wldnt stand for any explanation. he just cut in and shouted like crazy.(at this pt of time, jan was crying like nobody's business. and it's really scary bcos she doesnt ever cry)

the journey to church was excruciating. it was dead silence. except for ryan's singing(he was in gd mood). the atmosphere trapped in the car was so tense; anger saturated. yet his innocence forbids him to understand the situation. all that mattered in his world, or in a 2yr old child's world, is his barney and nemo. the contrast between what was going on in his mind and what was going on in the car was...so great. i really dont know how to explain that feeling. actually to some extent, i shld not be affected at all since it's my sister who's getting the scoldings and it's an everyday affair that pa and ma quarrel. it's probably that i dont talk abt it at all (in fact, i dont even talk abt any heart matters to anyone), all those bottled feelings started erupting.

i finally went for the grp prayer. it felt so reassuring. everyone was talking to God, telling Him how stressed we were and how much we need His strength to help us. the wind was comforting to touch and everyone's sooth voices calmed me down. and you know the famous verse 'When two or more are gathered in His name, He will be there.' or smth, i really felt God. i felt so comforted despite that morning's disturbance.

after the prayers, when we went back to the social hall with the rest, i saw daddy and jan; her eyes were still red. all the emotions within suddenly me blew up and i just had to go somewhere; to run away from those bruised eyes. with Shern and Bev following after, i sobbed uncontrollably. something i nvr done before. except for another time when i did in front of mr q. i had another(family) problem to deal w at that time and Mr Q could tell smth was bothering me so he kept pressing me to tell him. and it was kept within for so long, i just burst it out. bev and shern sat next to me, prayed for me, talked to me and kept quiet. as in, two of them were next to me, keeping quiet and doing nothing while i conted crying. i nvr had such attention or company before. yes i did have the fun company of my crazyclassmates but nvr dared to approach anyone when i needed a listening ear. i stopped halfway cos i didnt dare to waste more of their time. i felt so much better after that.shern was saying i prob felt the load of the family since i was the oldest. i do feel that; but i nvr knew how to express it to words.

i rmb bev commenting that i was very strong. i do feel that i've to put on that front man. i'm the eldest and i set an eg. to e 3 others. if i breakdown, what are they gonna do; what can they even do. but the strong frontier is breaking. the frontmen are getting tired. their swords and shields are disfiguring. there are signs of self-destruction.

smelly once said that i'm a person who's very difficult to get along with in that i don't open myself up easily. is that why i'm bestfriend-less? (i know i sound very pessimistic but who really cares)

anyhows after talking all abt it, i'm really thankful to the two of them girls :) i realise three of us were born in this church ! nvr felt such a close bond before though. i hope it lasts.

after church, jan made me follow her to a x junior's house. we travelled from harbourfront all the way to bukit batok just so jan can use a treadmill for 45mins ._. and play computer games with her friend, Rachel. that's not the worst part. we took 1.5hrs to go there. and discovered a 0.5hr route on the way back .... anyway rachs home is really nice and cosy. and her family is the type i've always longed for. her parents were home but her dad left after a while for smth. rach's mum was home busying herself in the kitchen or her room, her brother was home too lazing around. i camped myself at the dining table(rach's parents cleared the table to let me use it. so nice right) to do work while the 3 of them went to the gym. rachels mum was so accomodating. she kept popping by to see how i was doing. 'do you want a drink?' 'have you got used to this place to study?'( i was too comfortable i could have fallen asleep) 'this place is quite hot huh. okay i'll on the aircon' 'do you want me to off the aircon? is it too cold?' and her dinner was so yummy. (or maybe cos mummy nvr cooked for us 4)

do normal mothers really care that much? i always questioned God why cant my mother be normal. be normal like my friends' mothers. but as shern said, God has a plan for everything. we may not see it now but in due time, some day, all these bad situations will fit into a nice picture.

i await that day.