"I love walking in the rain because no one will know that i'm crying."

how true. but then of course, rain gives us a happy feeling at other times. someone told me before that crying is good, at times; it is a form of healing of the heart. hmmm... people also have said that rain are tears of heaven's; or is it God's blessing for us?

race tmr.and prob e last one before natls, and after natls, whether i'll be running or not, denotes the time when i have to conc more on my studies. ah the viciosity of it all. but this is just from my point of view; it is an ugly picture and all about tears and lament and..races and tests?(hmm)

i need to learn how to look at things from heaven's point of view. when my 'ugly picture' is put alongside everyone else's pictures, what a grand collage; and beyond. but when you master the habit of looking at things from the other party's perspective, that's when confusion sets in; and disparity.

but i prefer heaven's idea of the 'bigger, complete picture' rather than my 'microscopic skeptical picture'. because then i know that what i do is imptance and value. with a simple action of mine, i might have made a stroke across my picture. it might not make any sense with it alone.but when God put my picture against the rest's, that stroke might have meant to be a part of the rainbow. i can't help but smile at that.

or to make my abstract idea more concrete, let's use a friend's example,A , and combine it with what i learnt during Youth Alpha. hmmm. in A's life, there'll be many influences from people around him or even those asquare him. (okay that didn't turn out right =p)

he was born into a family with no religion thus the idea of freethinker-ism appealed to him. however his christian friend wants to save him, so B brings A to church. but there aint any effect on A. then few years later, while at orchard, an evangelist, C, approaches and passes A a 'leaflet' with info abt christ. A accepts it, reads the first pg "Is your life filled with troubles and worries?" nah 'i'm happy as can be. i'm in rjc, top in class, capt of xcountry, chorale and the stamp club and i'm a counsellor'(walao over achiever) and so he chucks the leaflet into his bag. then few mths later, everything comes crashing upon him. but life still goes on man...so he packs his bag (i'm pressing for time so i cant go round&round) and hey finds the leaflet C gives him, reads it and is touched by it. then he talks to God, lifts up his worries is happy and goes back to his normal lifestyle.
one fine day after 10yrs, he is walking along esplanade and chances upon a grp of people(D,E,F,G,H) singing in such lovely harmony. he is drawn to their voices and lingers on. they were singing of God's love. about their creator who knew them even before they were born.and lifting their lives to this God.

he is very curious about who this person can be so great that people worship him so wholeheartedly. he approaches them and asks ,"who is this that you're singing about?" 'oh hello, we're having a pcg meeting now (haha =p). we are christians and were singing of our Lord Jesus Christ. are you....' he cuts her," thank you. have a good day." and walks away; clearly impressed about this God that he once heard about 20 yrs ago by B.

to B-H, they have done nothing. it was just having simple gestures towards(or indirectly for the D-H grp) A (by bringing A to church etc). we can even have an I in picture. maybe A was walking in expo, and happens to walk pass a conference room where I was preaching.and just when A walked pass, the door was open and I happened to say "God loves you!" there might be J,K,L,M,N, O....etc in his life. small gestures that mean nth to B-N,O.... but to A, it means something. and in God's own timing, A is drawn to God and finally accepts Him.

my point. we are all B,C,D,E,Fs...in people's lives. that's a reason i'm keeping a blog too. the net, easily accessible to people all over the world. my life story might touch another's who lives in zimbawee or smth :)

another analogy to further my point ; from teo. she was telling me that a non christian is like a nut. and christians are hammers. each time hammer talks to nut, nut is hit once by hammer. obviously, hammer wont be broke open with just a knock. so as nut progresses w life, many more hammers will knock nut. evcntually, nut will crack open. so if you happen to be the 1st hammer to knock nut, dont be too sad about it.

(i know my tense is very off. i hav a prob w that. present tense then past and then present particle.whatever e sp =p)

i feel so much better already.\; discussing about the big picture really puts things to perspective. and why i'm going thorugh this now :) actually it's my dontknowwhat-th time going through this la but oh well. there's a reason for everything.
and the reason is you