i
was walking home and i saw a grey truck which reminded
me about something...about someone -
him...

my heart ached.
it struggles now at this very moment
a thought forced through from a wrong way
gush of adrenaline rush

will i be ethical and weep when that day comes?

i don't even talk to him now...
it's been ages since we've talked.
it's been months since i've seen him.
and when i do, it's before the morning rush to training.

i open the door for you.
out of duty,
out of obligation,
not of love.

will i weep for you?
i don't know
to be honest
i don't know the answer to that at all
i don't have the answer to that...

i rmb when i was young, you were my role
model. i looked forward to our outings to your place
i rmb paging you everyday to just know where you are
how you're doing

but now as knowledge seeps into the brain
as maturity grows
as pain signs its name
i know what you did
and i detest what you did

love the sinner, hate the sin
but the hatred for the sin is too great
that it has crossed the boundary to the ner.

much as i try to tell myself that
try to remind myself of our happy
innocent childlike memories

i cant shake this feeling off.

sigh. anyway i had a nice talk with beverly on the way back home.
take care in US deb. hope you make as cute a friend as i in us.
ytd's natl day celeb was really great
"hows your studies been?"
: more or less the same... but when i think abt it, argh feels like it has worsen.
"how are you?"
:feeling like shit.. i keep letting my emotions get the better of me.

i sound so desperate and i fear pretense but -- i think i need some encouragement in my life.
i need something or someone that can tolerate my coldness .
i aint ice queen, i'm human. i want to hear don't worry it will be okay s.

i suddenly feel the same fear daddy felt when the phone rings. no please, i want to love you. i want to be able to smile when i think about you, about my family. please give me the chance, privilege, opportunity whatever.
i want to be a good mother and faithfullysweet wife and have a happy family.

beijing olympics at 8pm :) MY TV IS WORKING. heh. i realise
it is so much easier to just be yourself than act like someone else, or however others want you to be like.or so you think... maybe sometimes what they want is just the raw you.