So anyway.... I just completed two books, two of my friend's jc lit texts....

Brave new world and Disgrace, chronogically. I rly dno how to put wtv is swimming , or rather, struggling in my mind. Im having a lot of thoughts in regards to the main themes brought up in both books. I feel too incoherent in my thoughts tt i dont even know how to express myself. Its gta do with life& death , that i can say... And maye, like, the purpose in life?...i tried explaining my thoughts in words tdy and it came out as "suddenly im asking myself what is the meaning of life? Every week, the main things i do are to train and go church,: but are all these even necessary?" BUT my struggling thoughts arent even to do w "my purpose in life".

But rather..more of, what can humans do in life to make their time worthwhile.... Yes, thats it! Sth like tt :) i conjure up many activities that a human does t pass time, eg study read books meet friends exercise keep the house clean etc, and all these seem meaningless. Not because we are just gng to die anyway.. But because these activities seem like sth to while away time till its time for us to die. Get it? It rly scares me... :/ ok not scare, but disturbs.

An example was given in Disgrace ; (sth like) i imagine myself 20years later, old and haggard and bent. Its in the aftn and i just had a light breakfast and my morning walk. Im in my room with a cup of coffee, a weathered lumpy bed, and a few stacks of yellowed paper lying ard (he is a professor). Slowly, i lower myself to bed and wait till it is evening time to prepare myself dinner for sustenance. "

After that extract, he moved on to another scene. Those few lines struck me. Because it gave the illusion that there is all to an old person's day. And it was scary because it isnt an illusion..

Ok i hate to use my grandma as an eg but i was thinking abt her, and dad, when i read tht. She wakes up, makes breakfast ,goes to the mkt. Aft she has lunch, chats w neighbours till dinner time thn has dinner. Same for dad, except tt he goes to the office and his mahjong club. Its like, they r just filling their days, their time w activites till its time for them to go. So i look at my mum who is busy as hell..and it gave me the perception tt shes doing alot of impt stuff and the world will cease wo her. But through scrutinised eyes, we know tts not true. So im not satisfied doing nth or doing alot. And dont even talk abt this in regards t older ppl; even for myself. What am i doing? (anyway t anyone whos reading, i THINK i mgt be gng off topic? My main pt/ fear is stated above ; tt we r filling our days w activities t while away our time instead of sitting ard to wait to die). Whats the point of living , yknow what i mean?

Just received a letter frm National Organs Transplant Act too; to inform me tt when i die, they will donate my four vital organs up for transplant. I decided t sign a form and donate every part of my body for any purposes (eg education) other than transplant. Reading the info bklet frm NOTA brings abt the scene i hv in my mind frm bravenewworld(clinical, white, big, mass produced,void of feelings..etc)

Oh but anw i had the best bus exp ever! I was running for a bus but didnt manage to catch it. I actly reached jst before the bus' front door tho! But he drove off simul. I was rly sad cos he drove forward till the max and stopped, presuming-ably to wait for the cars t go first at the main rd. But he stopped bcos he saw me running and stopped for me! I didnt know tho.. Only realised it aft a while when the bus door opened and one of the bus passengers popped his head out and signalled for me t go t him. WOOHOOZ i was rly grateful!! (not tt i was rushing for time. Haha) ok tts all i wanted t note. Gdngt. Anddd im waking up in four hrs t go for a morning run at mrr. Hahaha niceee.

This is my thoughts and i , as im lying on my hard uncomfy bed w my teddy bear and lamp shining upon me ~

While baking.... Which i must say made me feel so domesticated haha. Even cooked my own lunch , which aint maggi mee for a change, and sewed my own accessory on this CUTE lil hat i got. Ok SO ANW

I was thinking of a scenario:
*ps these two ppl are platonic friends !
*girl and boy playfully (or not) argue with each other & friends are in their presence observing* suddenly some joker will cut in and "whoa fu qi chao jia (is that even e correct cheng yu haha anw the four chi word is meant t mean tt cos the two ppl are arguing, they seem like a couple).. You two match very well, confirm get tgt"

I can see frm that pov! Maybe like, bcos they are have disagreements, they bother t work them out.. Or them arguing is jst a cover up for them t be talking?..or sth. But anw. While baking, i came up w an alt pov,. Alt pov of why ppl naturally associate two quarrelling ppl with 'couplehood'. Which is bcos we grew up in an environment where we see our parents arguing..and it has bcm so often tt it is seen as a normal activity btwn couples. So when a girl and guy are seen arguging, its associated to 'couplehood'. I found tt v sad but true. But its jst a hypothesis pls dont shoot me down or anything B-)

//which reminds me, THTS PROB WHY ppl kept teasing me and cookie. It was so frustrating for me trying to explain t them tt e reason we disagree so much in public is jst bcos ..we rly dont see eye to eye. And if we dont see this similarly, how on earth can we even consider getting tgt? Ppl just brushed my words off as.....excuses. It. Was. Frustrating haha! Congrats t cookie on being attached alr anw (Y)

ANYWAY completely random but i think guys wearing watches are impressive. LOL tt was a....dear diary moment.

Ah, jst rmbed sth. Wanted to talk abt the issue of letting go. Not bgr wise jst t clarify :) another timeeee. Why is the radio playing techno muzik!!!!aiyo!!!!

Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill

beautiful song!! rly wish i stayed on in the canteen during youth camp to watch it with the kids.... :)

Random : i dno why i insist on snapping away furiously when im in the presence of a wondrous sight. 1) i wldnt be able to fully bask in the beauty of the situation im put in 2 the pics dont do any justice t wht i wld be looking at

Anyway ive mastered G, C and E on the guitar :)) whoopie! Sian prob gna take my jabs tmr.....

I dont like coming home late haha. Tdy was the FIRST time i met a couple of church ppl and the whole grp was on time , five min early in fact. Coolness

I dno why im so angst these days....... Quarrelled with dad. Shouted at mum just now.... Ok. Im not more angst now. Im just less cool and less controlled. Its like im bcming more immatured. I used to be able to hold in my anger very well... Now when the urge comes to raise my voice at someone else, i just do it. Im bcming less aware of my speech as well.i dno how many times i had to stop myself midway when say fck. :/ :(((( sighhhh!!!

Anw i heard a v good rendition of Ben. Its amazing... :)

Watched a mothersday dedication special on tv. Soooo cute. It was of getting ppl to stand in front of a board and give a dedication t their mum :) most of the msges were similar "i love you mum. Youre the best. Thanks for cooking for me. Thanks for everything. I wish you good luck and good health...." awww. Even tho so many ppl said the same thing , each one held a different story yknow?:)

This pair of sisters wrnt up and said "dear mummy. We love you very much. We hope you will become a fairy". AWWWW

Im watching this show. And at this point, the situation makes me feel so perplexed.. And it reminded me of the past kinda :/ of being lied to and hurting from it.. Of believing tt what the other party is saying is not true because of what happened frm the past, yet believing because those words are coming straight from the horse's mouth. It was painfully torturous to endure... Three years on and i still dno why he did that...and i want to know why yet i dont wna know cos i jst wna forget the past and look to a btr future and friendship between us. Haha ok ive digressed ttm. The main point of this is ;

Why does it seem easier to lie and hurt both parties than to tell the truth and profess one's love?

Anw. Im still perspiring. And my specs are slippinh w every movement. Eeks! And GOLD FOREVER JST PLAYED ON E RADIO :DD

Haaa. When things r trying t be done, i rly cannot take it when ppl are less responsibile than me! Im alr so irresponsible.. Aiyo. And i dont think im expecting too much. Or maybe i am.... Aiyo. Ok. I shldnt be so uptight. Haha but i rly dont like when ppl are not driven and have no plan in life. Complained abt this a thousand times t sissy. And one day she pointed out tt , im just like them. I dont have a plan. I dont have anyth tt im working twds.... Im jst working... So am i not worse? My efforts are futile.

Yikes, my specs have slid to my nosw bridge oredi lolx

"ah, why am i even bothering"
exactly.. why do i even care? :// i dont have to, and i dont need to, and moreover, i dont want to anymore. yep.. it's tiring. maybe it's easier to let go ?which is like giving up. but sometimes giving up seems less tiring than trying to do something abt it. ha haa

anyway its been bloody hot these few days! i'm perpetually coated with a layer of perspiration or sth haha. humid ttm.....

hawhaw, i rly dont wna complain abt ____.....and sound like some annoying spinster.....SO I SHALL S.T.O.P. but FOR THE RECORD, there are so many =.= things gng on now in my life. i guess everyone will have their shit to handle too... it's just how you wna go abt it. yes. so i shall handle these to the best of my abilities. omg i'm perspiring. zzz.

Ytd was the BESTTTTTTT BEST BEST BEST BEST post exams celebration tt i cld ever hv asked for in life!!!!!!

My THREE huge ass blisters are jst a small price t pay. It was so epic when Thriller jst ended. Mav instantly turned to us and exclaimed "is there Meet and Greet session??" haha!

-//haw haw. You also not ard how to celebrate . I dont even feel like i need to do anything. I dont even feel the urge or desire to

So here is how things went for hmt.. I was rly spent since having tt extremely prody day at nus! So spent till now k! Lollll. So ytd, all i cld summon of myself was to study my last three chpts hmt and tts it. I studied those till 7pm k -.- which is a rly long time jsyk. I thought of taking a break till aft noose but hahaha i dragged along.. By 1230am i figured i wasnt gna study at all so i washed up and got rdy for some rest. This morning, i woke up at 9am. But only reached sch ard... 11 ? jan had t go massage her injured ankle first.. Then i started revision for hmt. And mind you, revision means to start memorising my pts for each chpt lolllll. It was CRAZY. The last min cramming in.

For my paper.. Rly thank God tt i cld rmb many of my pts. Section A required us to and 6/10 qns but i knew how to do 9!! So i made a short ans plan for each qn,.and took my time to pick which qn to do. I was taking it slow and easy cos i didnt think i cld finish early enuf to leave the exam hall earlier. But by the time i started my second qn,out of 3, i thot i had a chance of ending earlier! So i picked up a bit more momentum and wnt for it. But by the end of analysis for my 3rd qn, i left 10 min to write down my answers. So,w tt i decided totake my time since i got 30min now to complete my paper. Haha yeah take my time i did. For 3b, i only managed to write teo out of my four pts..and those two pts werent as strong as my other two. PENS DOWN.

:((( im pretty sure if i wrote my other two pts, id be able to get at least a 5/8......zzz. Haha what do you call this?! Complacency... Or a mental breakdown. I dnoooo. During e paper i was feeling so tired mentally and wanted to jst finish my paper and leave e exam hall asap cos i suddenly felt so constrained and tied down etc etc etc... Haha sucks tt i knew e ans but "didnt hv enuf time".. Oh well.

My hmt and er indiv essays were done pretty well! If im nt wrong i got high Credit for both :)) which is REALLY GOOOD!!! cos 1 i suck at writing essays :(( 2 ive NVR done well in it.. Always got a pass or credit only.. 3 i started on both of my indiv essays rly last minute-ly.. For my er one, i was feeling so frustrated + didnt hv any more intellectual pts, i put in my own thoughts and arguments..arguments complete w sarcasm and insults for the stupid qn hahaha (if u recall an old entry, i was lamenting at the futily of one of my essay assignments bcos i felt tt the stance proposed was irrelevant.

With tt i must slp early and wake up early and chiong for my FINAl FINAnce paper hahaha yeaaa. I must do well for finance.......

3weeks of not visiting grannys. she called ytd! hahaha. and we had a short chat abt stuff... stuff like, how we miss each other.. abt the upcoming hols in june!!!!!!!!!!!.. her nagging me to study hard.. abt politics, leekuanyew in particular.. and just etc lah.

it was a reaalllly nice chat. i mean, it was perfect! haha, i wanted a phone call...(its not the best form of communication..but i was stuck at home..and theres sth alluring abt phone calls despite it's distance haha).. and it was with someone whom i care so much dearly for.. and yessss :) miss her!

everytime i look at granny/ryan, this phrase ALWAYS comes to mind. love really holds no boundaries. (OKAY I KNOW THEY ARE MY FAMILY BUT..) its like, with either ppl, we have such a big age gap, we are gng thru/have gone thru different things in life, we may not speak the same lang...but we all love each other.. we wna share our lives with each other.. that's why i believe that true friendship, true relationships, are only possible between two people who truly care for each other-both ways!. it's not abt, oh i'm flying off so we shld separate or sth..etc etc.

OKAY. JUST LISTENED TO STRAIGHT NO CHASER WHO ARE SOOOOO BRILLANT!! (and mike wtv his surname 's voice is soooo ..... beautiful. for lack of a btr word hahaha)

My iphone cover is disintegrating..., give it two weeks and im gna hafta hold it tgt w a rubber band.... Nt much done tdy lawlzx nuts la :/ :(