Movie night!! Watched V for Vendetta yesterday. 'Remember, remember, the fifth of november. The treason, gun powder and the plot'

:)

I think this picture is so beautiful. Pepsi looking on cautiously yet trustingly while offering her paw. 

Half opened eyes. Hahaha you awkward dog. :)

Before you become great, you need challenges. 

have a few stuff that i want to update for memory's keep. (things that i can't address tngt: 1 my bday celebration 2 reminiscing nepal)

oh before i go on and on, to the you that read my blog, really appreciate the text msgs to check up on me. while i do have many rough times, i must admit that it is easier to express sadness than happiness. "it is in human nature to remember the bad more than the good" -something which i need to move away from. alright, here goes the long (gna try to summary) update:

1 him at work: i've known him all my life but i guess when you grow up and have to work, you spend more time in the office, your colleagues may know your antics better than your family. have known him to be insensitive and impatient; but seeing the way he blasted at a subordinate, it was too much to bear. the sub spoke up for himself and it made me feel more conflicted because i am a subordinate myself but the other party is my dad. i want to ignore yet i shouldn't. i want to address it yet i have too many flaws to . but on reflection, the right thing to do is to approach and talk to him about it. he cannot continue this behaviour and take advantage of people..

2 work: takes a huge toll on me yet i know it ultimately is beneficial for me. its so so important to be in a career of your choice, to believe that your job is what will help you be one step closer to your bigger goal (we were meant to live for so much more). while yes, your job should not define you, you spend 40% of your time there, you must be doing sth that you feel is worthwhile to survive and believe in.

3 on friday, went down to the dormitory and saw a bunch of workers checking in for the first time. they had new beds and new safety equipment (for their work) etc. and i couldnt help but feel that they were checking into a chalet or sth! haha... a matured man packed wine along and it had to be detained in the office. i felt sorry when the dorm supervisor exerted his authority over the matured man and said sth like 'dont do these kind of drinking nonsense'. the matured man cld demand for the supervisor's respect, instead he humbled himself and smiled &tried to ease the situation by joking.

4 aqua sunig
rmb how i wanted to talk abt an intimate scene i noticed? so the situation was as goes: sim girls have been champions for the past two years w 3 very strong athletes. however this year, they only had 2 and needed that one more girl to help maintain their positions. and competition was pretty stiff from ntu. after the race, when results were still bein tabulated, our own team members tried t do their own calculations and it was just v stressful for the girls because they didnt know if they managed to hold their title. calculations were v blurry cos when one girl may have ran v well, the other 2 girls compensaed with poorer performances. the stress must have gotten to the girls and some cried, some were abt to explode from the pressure. when the results eventually got released, everybody crowded ard. someone eventually caught sight and announced 'sim girls are champions again! by 2min!' . there was a lot of cheering and relieved smiles. and in the middle of the whole celebratory crowd, the assistant coach (hes v tall) stood. and the crying girl who was so distraught abt possibly pulling the team down. when she heard the good news, she burst out into tears again- happy relieved tears this time! and the asst coach pulled her into his embrace and 'friendly-hugged' her as she sobbed uncontrollably in his comfort.

it was a very intimate scene because up till then, i hadnt seen such a close relationship between coach & athlete. it was so touching that an athlete placed her trust, time and effort into a coach and they go through thick and thin tgt. a mentor-mentee rship can be so so impactful. when i saw that scene, i was thinking to myself 'damn, lemon, you're totally nailing this coach thing' :)

5 financial
was extremely mindful of financial expenditure to a point where i was very sensitive about the issue. so when i saw the big purchases, i couldnt take it that i lost control. felt that , i couldn't trust my future to such anymore... and it made me so, so scared. the issue wasn't handled well but . (Stopped halfway on 4thnov13 :o )

Mum

boyfriend

-do. Not. Rmb. !!! Can poor memory be attributed to laziness? :(

:))

Alix was sharing how he had 1000 krispy kremes to himself at a meeting.. Making me feel sooo distraughted cos the first time i tried kkremes, we were in melb and it was absolutely fantastic. 

Anywyz, to make things easy, he popped by after his meeting and presented me w a box of 6!! :'))) double surprise surprise. What a darling. I cldnt stop hugging him.. Hahaha.. He said 'im not your toy. Stop hugging me like im one' 

:) youre such a sweetheart

ultimately, im grateful to God for putting him in my life.

anyway, have no idea why i'm still up at this timing... confirm ggxx tmr :( was so, so tired at trng this evening too! was like a zombie. zzz, why am i still awake now, haha this is so unhealthy :( did a bit of research on the cafe scene in singapore though; there are sooo many unexplored cafes here!

ok i dont know where i'm going with this.

actually intended to wake up at 7, prepare bfast for alix and pass it to him while we cross paths otw to work (we actly hv the potential to meet every morning but ,that's too much).

maybe a reason that we two are so tired is because we have nothing to look forward to. or maybe i'm thinking too much

i look forward to the weekends but every time they come, i'm reminded that it's 7days closer to year end. this is too fast. ...

ok sleep.

Feeling so lousy 

woke up feeling listless and empty, wondering whether i made a wrong decision of commitment. Then, im brought to the realisation, life isnt only about that. That isn't the thing that will solely bring fulfilment in your life. You cant put the weight of a life purpose on another flawed being

Like a quote i once read, if you love a flower, you dont pluck it and want to stash it in your pocket-for if you do so, the flower dies. You admire it from a distance, shower it with water and sunshine. You sing to it, smile, love it. Don't possess it. Choose your flower wisely

this is so unhealthy :( dno if i can take things in the long run...

so sad to think that this is happening merely one week after my bday... :( after a magical time spent tgt. guess that is the key word, magic. it doesnt exist.. :/

'can we just end this phone call now'

ouch..

saw some unwanted stuff on the phone (then, would i rather be in denial?) and made me get into a totally insecure fit. overall, don't think that i'm being insecure... maybe i'm just different, have different standards and expectations. told him that we should sit down one day, once and for all, to discuss where we see this going.

had a terrible dream last night because of this... (in fact, i do have a lot of nightmares of our relationship because i feel that its so unstable). dreamt that he became super aloof and unfeeling towards me. i kept clinging on, following him wherever he went, and hugged him so tight when i didn't know what else to do. like trying to grasp and hold onto what isn't mine anymore... when instead i should have known to let go something so fleeting.

it was such a terrible dream... :( left me feeling so horrible... woke up this morning feeling like crap.

went for the f1 ytd. good experience but not sth to be endeavoured on a day when you wake up at 6am...

anyway, went to watch sunig aqua ytd and i saw a very very intimate scene between mentor and an athlete. must talk abt this some day. its so sacred that i wna be more clear headed before attempting to put it in words

Met herrrrro aft work tdy to travel down for trng tgt. I got a bit too affected at sth and closed up all doors and holes. This apparently caused my actions to be very very hurtful thus making herrrro defensive and closed up too. 

I couldnt take it after a while and asked to talk abt it ;

It made me very sad... Thinking about how two people who care and love each other would bear to hurt each other. Why are we like that? :(

After a while, we managed toclear things up but whats impt is how to resolve this issue. To come up with an action plan lest we encounter such a situation again. I got very frustrated after a while because i couldnt think of anything (his behaviour, mine as well, so difficult to do sth about)..

I shared my frustrations and 'if we dontkmow howto deal w this, we will keep encountering this. And one day we will decide that its better to leave each other than cause more hurt. 

We were both tired by then. Thankfully he said that...and made me uds that i cant expect too much of a person at 1am... 

He ended with: dont worry, we will come up with a soln for this. We will get through this together alright?

:'( i really hope we do...

Couldnt bear to end the night off like that so i ditched my pride, walked over awkwardly and gave him a hug before leaving. I hope he understands what i meant by the hug... Cos im still trying to figure out what i meant by that