http://www.buzzfeed.com/gabbynoone/milkshakes-that-bring-boys-to-the-yard

s to heath
heathrow to jfk
jfk to heathr 0740 v atlantic 26
heathrow to singapore 1405 v atlantic7314
orbitz

Movie night!! Watched V for Vendetta yesterday. 'Remember, remember, the fifth of november. The treason, gun powder and the plot'

:)

I think this picture is so beautiful. Pepsi looking on cautiously yet trustingly while offering her paw. 

Half opened eyes. Hahaha you awkward dog. :)

Before you become great, you need challenges. 

have a few stuff that i want to update for memory's keep. (things that i can't address tngt: 1 my bday celebration 2 reminiscing nepal)

oh before i go on and on, to the you that read my blog, really appreciate the text msgs to check up on me. while i do have many rough times, i must admit that it is easier to express sadness than happiness. "it is in human nature to remember the bad more than the good" -something which i need to move away from. alright, here goes the long (gna try to summary) update:

1 him at work: i've known him all my life but i guess when you grow up and have to work, you spend more time in the office, your colleagues may know your antics better than your family. have known him to be insensitive and impatient; but seeing the way he blasted at a subordinate, it was too much to bear. the sub spoke up for himself and it made me feel more conflicted because i am a subordinate myself but the other party is my dad. i want to ignore yet i shouldn't. i want to address it yet i have too many flaws to . but on reflection, the right thing to do is to approach and talk to him about it. he cannot continue this behaviour and take advantage of people..

2 work: takes a huge toll on me yet i know it ultimately is beneficial for me. its so so important to be in a career of your choice, to believe that your job is what will help you be one step closer to your bigger goal (we were meant to live for so much more). while yes, your job should not define you, you spend 40% of your time there, you must be doing sth that you feel is worthwhile to survive and believe in.

3 on friday, went down to the dormitory and saw a bunch of workers checking in for the first time. they had new beds and new safety equipment (for their work) etc. and i couldnt help but feel that they were checking into a chalet or sth! haha... a matured man packed wine along and it had to be detained in the office. i felt sorry when the dorm supervisor exerted his authority over the matured man and said sth like 'dont do these kind of drinking nonsense'. the matured man cld demand for the supervisor's respect, instead he humbled himself and smiled &tried to ease the situation by joking.

4 aqua sunig
rmb how i wanted to talk abt an intimate scene i noticed? so the situation was as goes: sim girls have been champions for the past two years w 3 very strong athletes. however this year, they only had 2 and needed that one more girl to help maintain their positions. and competition was pretty stiff from ntu. after the race, when results were still bein tabulated, our own team members tried t do their own calculations and it was just v stressful for the girls because they didnt know if they managed to hold their title. calculations were v blurry cos when one girl may have ran v well, the other 2 girls compensaed with poorer performances. the stress must have gotten to the girls and some cried, some were abt to explode from the pressure. when the results eventually got released, everybody crowded ard. someone eventually caught sight and announced 'sim girls are champions again! by 2min!' . there was a lot of cheering and relieved smiles. and in the middle of the whole celebratory crowd, the assistant coach (hes v tall) stood. and the crying girl who was so distraught abt possibly pulling the team down. when she heard the good news, she burst out into tears again- happy relieved tears this time! and the asst coach pulled her into his embrace and 'friendly-hugged' her as she sobbed uncontrollably in his comfort.

it was a very intimate scene because up till then, i hadnt seen such a close relationship between coach & athlete. it was so touching that an athlete placed her trust, time and effort into a coach and they go through thick and thin tgt. a mentor-mentee rship can be so so impactful. when i saw that scene, i was thinking to myself 'damn, lemon, you're totally nailing this coach thing' :)

5 financial
was extremely mindful of financial expenditure to a point where i was very sensitive about the issue. so when i saw the big purchases, i couldnt take it that i lost control. felt that , i couldn't trust my future to such anymore... and it made me so, so scared. the issue wasn't handled well but . (Stopped halfway on 4thnov13 :o )

Mum

boyfriend

-do. Not. Rmb. !!! Can poor memory be attributed to laziness? :(

:))

Alix was sharing how he had 1000 krispy kremes to himself at a meeting.. Making me feel sooo distraughted cos the first time i tried kkremes, we were in melb and it was absolutely fantastic. 

Anywyz, to make things easy, he popped by after his meeting and presented me w a box of 6!! :'))) double surprise surprise. What a darling. I cldnt stop hugging him.. Hahaha.. He said 'im not your toy. Stop hugging me like im one' 

:) youre such a sweetheart

ultimately, im grateful to God for putting him in my life.

anyway, have no idea why i'm still up at this timing... confirm ggxx tmr :( was so, so tired at trng this evening too! was like a zombie. zzz, why am i still awake now, haha this is so unhealthy :( did a bit of research on the cafe scene in singapore though; there are sooo many unexplored cafes here!

ok i dont know where i'm going with this.

actually intended to wake up at 7, prepare bfast for alix and pass it to him while we cross paths otw to work (we actly hv the potential to meet every morning but ,that's too much).

maybe a reason that we two are so tired is because we have nothing to look forward to. or maybe i'm thinking too much

i look forward to the weekends but every time they come, i'm reminded that it's 7days closer to year end. this is too fast. ...

ok sleep.

Feeling so lousy 

woke up feeling listless and empty, wondering whether i made a wrong decision of commitment. Then, im brought to the realisation, life isnt only about that. That isn't the thing that will solely bring fulfilment in your life. You cant put the weight of a life purpose on another flawed being

Like a quote i once read, if you love a flower, you dont pluck it and want to stash it in your pocket-for if you do so, the flower dies. You admire it from a distance, shower it with water and sunshine. You sing to it, smile, love it. Don't possess it. Choose your flower wisely

this is so unhealthy :( dno if i can take things in the long run...

so sad to think that this is happening merely one week after my bday... :( after a magical time spent tgt. guess that is the key word, magic. it doesnt exist.. :/

'can we just end this phone call now'

ouch..

saw some unwanted stuff on the phone (then, would i rather be in denial?) and made me get into a totally insecure fit. overall, don't think that i'm being insecure... maybe i'm just different, have different standards and expectations. told him that we should sit down one day, once and for all, to discuss where we see this going.

had a terrible dream last night because of this... (in fact, i do have a lot of nightmares of our relationship because i feel that its so unstable). dreamt that he became super aloof and unfeeling towards me. i kept clinging on, following him wherever he went, and hugged him so tight when i didn't know what else to do. like trying to grasp and hold onto what isn't mine anymore... when instead i should have known to let go something so fleeting.

it was such a terrible dream... :( left me feeling so horrible... woke up this morning feeling like crap.

went for the f1 ytd. good experience but not sth to be endeavoured on a day when you wake up at 6am...

anyway, went to watch sunig aqua ytd and i saw a very very intimate scene between mentor and an athlete. must talk abt this some day. its so sacred that i wna be more clear headed before attempting to put it in words

Met herrrrro aft work tdy to travel down for trng tgt. I got a bit too affected at sth and closed up all doors and holes. This apparently caused my actions to be very very hurtful thus making herrrro defensive and closed up too. 

I couldnt take it after a while and asked to talk abt it ;

It made me very sad... Thinking about how two people who care and love each other would bear to hurt each other. Why are we like that? :(

After a while, we managed toclear things up but whats impt is how to resolve this issue. To come up with an action plan lest we encounter such a situation again. I got very frustrated after a while because i couldnt think of anything (his behaviour, mine as well, so difficult to do sth about)..

I shared my frustrations and 'if we dontkmow howto deal w this, we will keep encountering this. And one day we will decide that its better to leave each other than cause more hurt. 

We were both tired by then. Thankfully he said that...and made me uds that i cant expect too much of a person at 1am... 

He ended with: dont worry, we will come up with a soln for this. We will get through this together alright?

:'( i really hope we do...

Couldnt bear to end the night off like that so i ditched my pride, walked over awkwardly and gave him a hug before leaving. I hope he understands what i meant by the hug... Cos im still trying to figure out what i meant by that 

I used to like scrolling through my blog and read through old posts. However, i do not enjoy the process as much over the past few months... Realised that it is because ,when i started dating this boy and getting closer to him, i only blog when i am upset or have disagreements. So this blog becomes a drag and mood depresser to read. My rship w heeeerrrro isnt all that sad, we do have many many happy times and really care and love each other :) 

Few months back, i told him spontaneously: i want to create many beautiful happy fun memories together!

To which he responded: what kind?:)

This is how our rship is most of the time.. I make requests, and he goes out of his way to accommodate.. Makes me feel bad. But every time he does, im very grateful for him being by my side. Hes a gem:) 

We have done many crazy things tgt.. (Sometimes too crazy that i become oblivious to my surroundings, irritate others and gets him into a disapproving mood)

Once in a while, we have some quiet chill time too and chat about random things (still amazes me how we can talk so much x( ) we just went to a cafe over the  weekend! It was so so nice. If only sgp had more of the melb cafe culture! Ie including the weather haha!

Going for a walk together at melb i think this was to brighton beach. We started running tgt aft a while cos we wanted to catch the sunset+got too bored at the slow walking pace. Hahaha! We two were too unfit but it was just so hilarious at the thought of chasing the sunset we kept laughing :p

We are very cultured too. Getting absorbed into art and history

We do get on each others nerves but... Ultimately we seek to learn about each others ideologies, way of life, thinkings, and try to accommodate and live with together. Because this is what its about huh? About growing up, 'getting things straight, working hard at one not easily earned opportunity and get on with what life truly is about'. 

Heres to us: (ps this is written in 10min and veryvery spontaneously so forgive this poor expressed prose. The bottomline of this msg is: thank you God for alexander, you're an angel to me. Thanks for sticking around despite everything, thanks for opening up your life to me and letting me love you.)

'If you tell someone that you will meet them at a certain time, you have essentially made them a promise. And if you say you’ll be there at 8:00, and yet arrive at 8:15, you have essentially broken that promise.'

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2012/07/16/a-man-is-punctual-the-importance-of-being-on-time/
http://www.artofmanliness.com/2012/07/18/a-man-is-punctual-the-reasons-youre-late-and-how-to-always-be-on-time/

thanks for this.

haha, dad saw me and was so, so shocked.. wanted to tell him everything but stopped short because of the looming...nag that i so am sick of hearing the past 15 years of my life..

anyway .he made me - about this for the...3rd to 4th time. dont know whether he knows that his words hurt more than help; making me feel like rebelling and going the other way more. at least it wasn't bad as that melb night where i could not sleep at all and couldnt get out of bed that morning.

' because i know you can do better
 because i know you are capable
 because i know you can do it'
http://behindthehustle.com/2013/08/10-choices-you-will-regret-in-10-years/

/Yeah its not about just tahan-ing for the sake of the marriage certificate or children, but actually living out the commitments made and preserving the sanctity of the union. Tough luck man. I used to think that's the only thing that can make me leave my spouse. But over the years I have realised that him breaking his commitment to you does not nullify your commitment to him/

'through thick and thin'..

didnt see it that way

'My parents divorced when I was 12 and I was pretty upset when they divorced but eventually got over it. Like my mother, I grew up to be a strong willed and independent woman. But unfortunately, I also found out that like my mother, I also could not hold a relationship. When I hit 30, I hit a crisis and it was then that I studied myself and realized that I've had a long history of non-commital relationships stemmed from my fear of separation. My mother and I talked and worked through it and we definitely are stronger, however, she mentioned many times that she never knew. Hell, I never knew. I'm sure you're a great mother and I have much respect for single parents, but please don't assume that your daughter is ok because she smiles, and hugs, jokes around, is loving and says she's fine. Because some scars don't go away so easily.'

i shld talk about it excitedly right? such questions should get me all happy and woozy and excited.

definitely not exasperated... :((

This is gorgeous...

till then.... :)

'Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.'

-so apt... :) (if you do come here... love these stuff and just had to copy and put them here for log sake!) feel so hopeful every time after browsing (your) tumblr... :)

cos i'm so prideful, i initially took things very very negatively. was stubborn as hell not to listen to what he said and dismiss his words as insults (which i did feel insulted by... but lets just look past that because 'if there are many ways to interpret what i say, i mean it in the least harmful way ever'). but odd was so patient and soft with his tone, as compared to his initial harsher one, that i felt that i had to stop looking inward and look at him. am still so embarrassed by what happened to me that he had to offer his help but .i'm very grateful for odd.

when i looked at his face, a phrase he once said to me flashed across my mind:

'but i'm still here after all these while, am i not.'

not said lovingly as he was very frustrated with me then... but the way he said it made me realise how fortunate i am. that no matter what wrong i've done/i'd do in my life, this is one person that should not be a part of that.

ytd, fangka and i chanced upon a youtube video titled (something like) : tyra banks losing her cool on antm. the scenario was as such: a girl was kicked out of antm and gng ard giving her goodbye hugs. instead of the crying, defeated stance that kicked-out-girls usually display, she was cracking jokes in an obvious attempt to ease the tense situation. tyra was watching all the while and couldnt take that the girl didnt seem upset. she called her back to the stage and told her that she was disappointed. the girl spoke up in defence which angered tyra so much that she said :

the way i am shouting at you right now is like how my mother would shout at me. because she loves me; because she knows that i am capable of much more. we (the judging panal) were all rooting for you. dont give me crap about things not being in your favour. if you wanted this, you should have worked for it ,hard. then you'd succeed. the only reason you failed is because you didnt put your heart in this. we all know you are capable.  you only have yourself to blame.

was struck by the video cos firstly, cmon admit it: a person behaving out of anger is hilaaarioussss. we dont know what humour is present but the words,actions, posture employed...just so ridiculously funny. secondly, tyra struck me as someone who'd never lose her cool. thirdly, that scene was impromptu and the speech she gave was brilliant. so logical and meaningful and well put ... ok yknow what, just watch the video.

it's a conscious decision

“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.”
~Osho

i agree with this so much. and that's why i had to let go of so many people impt in my life...

if youre seeing this , i apologise for what i said. you should just tell me to stop talking like that instead of disappearing off in anger... stop doing this disappearing act =/

before leaving for melb, i had a conversation with a friend. she was saying that she did not want anybody in her life yet because she doesnt want to drag anyone else into her mess. it made perfect sense to me because this is the situation playing out in my life .

ughhhh. :((( ok i cant go on. this waiting game is too much for me to take

hey can i say one more thing. remember the time you asked me about this question why i liked you and i couldnt give you an answer you wanted to hear?

no
you cldnt even give me an ans ha ha
i read this article. wanted to share with you but i don't know where it has gone to
but the takeaway is
love is a simple feeling
it doesn't really have to be justified with reasons which to an extent i believe mine is
i just want to see you happy
"and more than anything, i want to be the cause of it"

yeah but feelings need to be justified
i believe that its simple
but it shld be justified
more than anything , a rship is a commitment
and the desire to want to commit to this person
just now, otw down in the lift, this old couple shuffled in . and the lady was wearing grandma clothes and specs and looking wrinkly .and i looked at the old man with his cane and baggy grandpa clothes and cldnt uds why they still hung on to each other
but she slowly rotated in her axis to face him and they two just stoned in each other's directinos
then they shuffled out tgt slowly . and it made me realise that even if they dont have love anymore
they committed themselves so long ago to be in each other's lives and now ,its a 'i cannot live without her' kind of situation and not a 'i want to live with her'

i rmb hearing someone's vows that was similar to that . and thinking that everyone should be given the opportunity to experience as such

"i was thinking
why is so much money put into humanitarian organizations
yet the problem is not  being solved
i was thinking along the lines of such organizations working like a business
always seeking to do things the efficient way
and the time spent to seek the efficient way always takes so long
and while the time is being used up to do things the efficient way
there are people dying
maybe humanitarian organizations need to be more practical instead of doing things in what a organization nowadays are working in"

something blatant yet never occurred to the mind till presented.

anywayz, i dreamt that ahma surprised me by appearing by my bedside when i woke up this morning. then .i asked her to cook eggs for me . lolllllll. and her trick was : to add water .

Agonizing over ending things with whatstheirname… before they’ve even started.
Classic move. You know you’re about to go on an emotional roller coaster ride with this person, and you know what? Roller coasters are scary. So you’re obviously going to try and come up with a million reasons why it’s not going to work out between the two of you… and fail.
it is heck scary but hes worth it ..

(http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/18-reasons-being-in-a-relationship-is-awesome/

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/ten-reasons-why-being-in-a-relationship-is-awesome/

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/5-reasons-why-it-would-be-awesome-to-have-a-boyfriend-right-now/ )

have never felt so terrible... hurting someone you love is not rational. and not helpful at all. why would i do that? please grant me some independence...

i'm spent....

a kitchen towel wrung hard
i see that it is still wet
and try to wring out the excess
but no matter how i try
how i try so, so hard
nothing comes out

sorry elly :( sorry for causing much pain...

a drip falls out

am i faking these emotions to myself? =/ thatd be bad.......

anyway i just came back to melb from a weekend at adelaide's

tiring. uninspiring.

of life

5. You will do things that hurt you just because you’re not ready to feel good yet.

3. You can’t do everything. When you’re in college or fresh out, you have all of these opportunities readily available, and you want all of them. Why be one thing when you grow up when you can be seven? But eventually, you’re going to have to decide what you want to be for the rest of your life and commit to what’s truly important. It sounds terrifying, and it is. But you get the best gift out of it: discovering yourself.

4. You’ll never figure it all out. I once asked my therapist how old she was when she figured out her life, and she erupted in laughter, wiping actual tears from her eyes. She told me that most people never do, and that’s okay. Most of everything in the universe is beyond your comprehension. How could your life be any different? But that doesn’t mean it isn’t worthy of our awe and rapture. That’s precisely what makes life beautiful: our ability to be humbled by a world that’s bigger than us.

5. An understanding that cheating can be emotional as well as physical.

Spoiler alert: You don’t actually have to touch genitals to have cheated on someone and/or betrayed their trust. If you are having deep, personal, romantic conversations with someone behind your partner’s back, if you are still harboring feelings for someone else, if you are seriously considering other possibilities while still completely attached to your current flame — you are being an asshole and should stop it. It’s insane how many people don’t acknowledge the myriad ways that someone can be cheated on that don’t actually involve sex. Do you really think that your partner finding out that you’ve been exchanging passionate emails with an ex is going to be that much less destructive than having slept with someone else? I mean, in many cases, knowing that there were actual feelings involved make it all the worse, as it can’t just be brushed off as a drunken mistake. Let’s at least provide each other the decency of breaking up with our partners before engaging in Nicholas Sparks-esque gchats with the cute girl from work.

10. Honesty.

It sounds so obvious: We should be honest and forthright with people we claim to love. Like, of course. But it’s funny how much we forget that honesty extends to every part of our life with someone — it’s not just “I don’t cheat on them and we’re cool.” Lies of omission count as lies. Not being up-front about the things we want from the beginning count as lies. Deciding that there is only a certain amount of yourself you are willing to show to the other person, or facets of your personality you deem acceptable to expose, is setting yourself up for an inevitable failure (or at least huge problems). Part of being able to trust someone is knowing that, even if the question is uncomfortable, you’re going to get a legitimate answer. And if there are parts of your life you are not willing to be real about if put on the spot, perhaps you should consider your desire to “share” your life in the first place.

nvr thought abt some things this way... i guess i need to examine myself as much

yeah... the overwhelming part...
i get that too.. but i really like oddz and the way we are tgt so when we aren't physically tgt, i try to push away those thoughts cos i think hes worth it
guess youve to find someone whom you think is worth the vulnerability exposure!

second day in melb. nothing much. still dont have the 'i'm embarking on an adventure of my life' feeling...

everyday come back super tired! anyway one of the things on top of my list is to get shoes. and i'm still okay about the separation. maybe not yet... oh wellz : )

day 2 orientating so maybe i'm still overwhelmed !

i looked down and saw bleeding feet
i looked back and saw a life of misery and regret
i looked front and everything was bleak
i looked around me, i see fellow friends suffering
i looked up and see the light-
i saw hope for the future
2008

before i entered rj, i was actly very worried because it was my first time stepping out of my comfort zone. it was also the first time i was representing something so prestigious. as 16 years old, i wrote about being afraid of not being able to match up to the stereotype of rj students.

today he made it into pinkbrown

240710 when I saw and can confirm that he can survive on his own, move on with life, I wondered to myself: is that it? Is it time for me to go?

Life is like that, you don’t always know what the future entails. So I wondered, what if I choose to let go? To let him move on with life and not get stuck in what is against the social norm.

I wondered the meaning of sacrifice, and whether this was considered sacrifice in its purest form. Whether this was the type of sacrifices I’d promise myself to offer when I was a little girl, so noble and innocent.

Though the physical pain is absent, the tears flowed. Endlessly, one tear rushing through another. My body jerked up and downwards violently like I saw in shows when people got possessed. I saw someone stabbing a knife into my chest, a sleek and beautiful one, twist it around and before pulling it out, jabbing another into my chest. It punctured my lungs, causing air to escape. I gasped deeply and slowly for air, slow and steady as they told us, to no avail. Air was escaping faster than I was trying to inhale.

A flinch of the staleness of the house, and everything stopped. No one must see what happened. I was merely imagining things on my part. But this is a future I may very well see-and I hope against all hope that it won’t end up like that.

-wow, i am amazed at how i used to write. or am i the only one that understands what i meant hahaha

'behind the back of mine, is a smiling face thinking of the times spent with you before that'

13th jan. Hahaha..... Whoa can melt already :x

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/07/god-is-not-a-christian-tutu-dalai-lama_n_2421553.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

what a read... am astounded. i don't know what to think. interesting though. some of the stuff that desmond said provided a very down to earth and excellent perspective of God.

'because loving yourself is the hardest kind of love'

i hate feeling stupid,

knowing that i'm capable of better

being together
would mean we'll be comfortable with each other
being ourselves infront of ourselves
as if we're just naked together or something (not literally)
like theres nothing to hide
and i don't think you should feel that you need a lot of effort to talk to me
and maybe when honeymoon period is the most ... pda or lovey dovey period
i do agree that definitely is enjoyable
but i really too like the 老夫老妻phase (sorry i feel really old now)

tdy i went out with pal and mameha, and it emphasized how little i know of pal. it actly made me retreat back to my comfort zone... i did that since primary school, retreating from a potential good friend because i see her being chummy with another. i just don't like the idea of 'stealing' someone from another because i wouldn't want that happening to me. i guess a smaller part of me also wished to see PGF fighting for me.. 

anyway, i've been wasting far too many days... not that i regret them because it was stress free, but ,i don't remember much of them either. i'm not doing justice to days that should have significance !

okay, timely playing of 'Dying Young' by Kenny G (its a wonderful lullaby).

//so, should i be thankful to have met you?

am reading something that i know i shouldn't... yet i cant bear to tear myself away from this. (will you treat me the same way? or more, even?) it's interesting that i have had been on similar roller coaster rides too... how then are you able to be like this now? aren't you scared we will hurt each other..

#so know that i should not be talking like this here but..........let me stay in my idealistic world where only i am reading this, and whoever else that do are people that are on different continents and cannot be reached~ haha

'If everything were in place to believe, what then is the value of faith?'

there comes a point in life when you must be firm and say ,okay we are over. lets move on.

....so difficult to throw away my old stuff yet annoying me with the amt of space it takes, rust it has developed and smell it has taken on =/ zzzzzzzzz

arranging my room till 6am yet looking messier than ever

' i think this is what being in a rship is like.... 'imposing things' on the other.. sharing the burden, being accountable to each other..showing vulnerability and finding comfort in each other..'

wudeng always insists on sending me back. and only leaves after ive walked a safe distance into my place. however today, i said my goodbyes with words left unsaid. and was feeling really really uneasy. so i decided to turn back and run after him to share that one mere sentence that will sooth the unsettle ness in me.

but as i stood at the road and saw his back, my heart was overwhelmed.  i know not how to explain the emotions stirring in me. but i want to do so some day. tonight, instead of running after him, i decided to stay grounded and watch him gradually becoming smaller and then disappearing down the bend. it was an image i wanted to capture because it looked so painfully beautiful. i shall term the picture 'lonely days are no more' . it was the uncertainty of a young man, yet the hopes of a brighter life ahead. of independence and aspirations, and simple desire to love and to be loved. so as i stood my ground and watched him walk away, sth in my heart stirred