RARELY receive old school treatment from a guy so....it was terrifying yet refreshing . Sorry library boy :(

I allocated 5 more days to get over this phase.......

But ive been thinking abt you everyday , without fail, for the past month :( daddy, please take this awayyyy...

No.... Why do big drastic horrid arguments need to occur during impt commemorative events ? :/ always. It always has to happen.

Anyway todays social concerns talk was bad as well. I was v expectant because for 2wks, i anticipated the talk. I expected to come out of it knowing the direction tt He wanted me to make. But i just felt so uncomfortable throughout... I just cld not reconcile my thoughts and feelings w what each speaker was sharing. To feel indifferent, thats one thing because it jst means tt i lack compassion, but i felt ...repulsed. I think? Jst had much negative emotions circling throughout my blood and bones. I dont even know why.

Im wondering whether its because these initiatives are frm pure christian organisations... And i want to be working in a more secular environment...? But i WANT to spread God's love ! So im v confused. Disturbed..

I dno whether im rdy to step back into this rship again.. I feel so caught offguard. Didnt expect this whole myraid of emotions and i dont know how to deal w it. I thought He'd be on the other end with arms opened wide and a smile beckoning me back eagering.

But all i see ahead are thorns and darkness, confusion and distraught. @.@ im extremely lost now. I barely took my first step and im..... Im just really lost. And scared.

I dont know what to do because ,what held me back from this rship, or any intimate ones in fact, are the feelings of vulnerability..to be expectant of the other party and to be susceptible to hurt and disappointment. Step one and You allow this?? Huh?? Why! How now, what am i supposed to do....... :(( dont leave me alone defensiveless here..

http://raisinghomemakers.com/2012/a-letter-to-my-children-about-marriage/

it really doesnt make any sednse
but i've been looking at you secretly
tried to be indifferent ...

Have not been setting standards for myself in various aspects of life.... This has resulted in 1) average results 2) satisfaction from improvements (slight or vast improvements im not sure of tt even!)

Now im wondering whether i shld leave things as they are and be happy abt every single little thing or start to place benchmarks in my life and push myself, to be a better person and what not..

On other news, am gng to help out at a seminar for ADHD kids ,i shld read up on that!, and gng to visit-o.o i forgot the name of the church!-a mega church over the weekend. Ive always wanted to do so, so i shall. Ha ha.

Anyw......, (i feel that) im making an effort to rebuild our rship... Haha, just thought to spell it out IN CASE you cant tell @.@ I rly dont want to go through the whole -take 3 steps forward but 4steps back- process again..

really enjoy waiting at home for people to slowly stream in and update me abt their lives.

i've listened, qte a fair bit in my standards, to jiji's intern daily experience. and from the things tht i'm greatly bothered by/jan isnt , it rekindled a desire i had.

i want to bring meaning into peoples' lives.

but before that, i think that i want to make people happy /

i've been sad before, i've been lost before... and nobody shld have to suffer as such :( (though, it is true that by knowing sadness, you will know happiness. and with 'lost -ness', you'd find purpose )

There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are

There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive

So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you

It's a long road
And you face the world alone
No one reaches out a hand
For you to hold

You can find love
If you search within yourself
And the emptiness you felt
Will disappear

Oh ho, Lord knows
Dreams are hard to follow
But don't let anyone
Tear them away, hey yea

Hold on
There will be tomorrow
In time, you find the way, hey

That a hero lies in you
Mmm, that a hero lies in you

an interesting quote: any 'no' an earnestly seeking child of God receives from the throne is for the sake of a greater 'yes' .

missed my fasting day again.............cos i was so hungry this morning and forgot the date o.o like srsly, THAT was the whole pt of fasting and empathising for a moment................ lawlzz

it's coming 24th march so... that means its almost time to go back to serangoon. didn't seem too long ago when i went there last year :o

anyway my dream : i was with janell at home and knew that just lazing around. the only difference was that i knew it was the last night of my life so... i was posted the 'what would you do if you knew today was the last day of your life?' except that it was my last night. and... from this dream i realized that i'm extremely lazy; as it was already evening and i was home, i decided to just stay home ha ha. i decided to quickly finish off my duties for the night before heading straight to bed as i didn't know how i was going to die, was scared of how i would, and decided that dying in my sleep was the easiest and least painful way.

it was quite a difficult job i suppose because i was taking extremely long and could not seem to move any faster. anyway.... eventually i managed to get into bed! mind was still awake, heart beating faster by the minute, fear intensifying of what was to come... i really could not sleep-who would anyway lah, if you're 22, not done much in your life and knew your life is going to be made up of crap... SO, i took my phone and decided to text any of my loved ones, relatives and friends, last words and all. the first person that came to mind was my paternal grandma. i could have called her, but i didn't. my subconscious mind wanted to text people only. ha ha (sounds funny spelling everything out but i believe that dreams speak a lot about one's self so i do learn more about myself from my decisions made in dreams!). ahma doesn't have a handphone so i needed to text someone else. i did not text any of my family members but ,texted 'joel korkor' instead o.o (shows how filial i look upon him to be!)

i told him: please tell ahma that i love her and i will really miss her. sent. short message. whaaaaaaat, totally against my law-saw (oh goodness, what is that word in english?!) nature.

okay thats the important part i wanted to note down. (anyw then i went back to trying to sleep. i managed to get into a semiconscious mode. heard a lot of noises again... soon, i felt this warmth overwhelm my body, slowly but surely. then i felt, like, this weight being pulled/lifted out of my body, the warmth dissipated =x and then nothingness. emptiness.)

strangely, i felt more fear than sadness. strange because every time i let my thoughts wander (into the possibility of ending my life), i always felt extreme pain when i thought about my grandmother dealing with it...

it's coming 5 years since we made friendships with thad and went to his house for his birthday... the memory seems so vague yet recent. his family even organized a dinner in commemoration for his 21st last year of which a few of his friends were invited, like me-very thankful for that :) . i guess the ache i feel when i think of him isn't an 'empty, i miss him' kind of feeling but more of a ,why? he had so much ahead of him...

i guess we'll never know till we reach our own end and hopefully get the opportunity to ask our creator. and i'm sure by then, being shown the bigger picture, everything will make perfect logical sense. so right now, for the living, we should continue to strive on and not give up. and especially so, have faith.

i think its going to be difficult to visit him later this month because i don't see much a difference in me 2012 and tiffany 2011. totally have not learnt the value and precious-ness of life. =/

so anyway on a completely separate note, what he said is so true! the roles are reversed now and i really don't know how to behave. ha ha. but from my former role's perspective, i told myself that they were so silly, isn't it better to at least be friends, still be able to talk, and better still , never have to quarrel or face the possibility of complete eradication of each others lives? ha ha, i must hang on dearly to these words for my life. for my sanity. for my progress... yes.

okay, JUST LAST NIGHT, i lifted this up to God so this,now, clearly is a form of response from Him. told him in advance that come what may, i WILL accept things but i miiiiiight show my displeasure, i might cry, i might be sad and emo and angst like a kid...but i will accept whatever is to come out of this. i.will.accept! @.@ yes

whats wrong with me, Dad :(

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/28518-why-guarding-your-heart-isnt-enough i'll read it next time.....

anyway i reaaaally wna recount a dream i had where i died. but i shld get on with my essay..

In accordance w my parents' story, im supposed to meet a guy in march whom im gna decide is the man of my life half a year later haha o.o omg. Different generation

I'm not surprised, not everything lasts
I've broken my heart so many times, I stopped keeping track
Talk myself in, I talk myself out
I get all worked up, then I let myself down

I tried so very hard not to lose it
I came up with a million excuses
I thought, I thought of every possibility

And I know someday that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
And I promise you, kid, that I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

I might have to wait, I'll never give up
I guess it's half timing, and the other half's luck
Wherever you are, whenever it's right
You'll come out of nowhere and into my life

And I know that we can be so amazing
And, baby, your love is gonna change me
And now I can see every possibility

And somehow I know that it'll all turn out
You'll make me work, so we can work to work it out
[. From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/michael-buble-lyrics/haven_t-met-you-yet-lyrics.html .]
And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get
I just haven't met you yet

They say all's fair
In love and war
But I won't need to fight it
We'll get it right and we'll be united

And I know that we can be so amazing
And being in your life is gonna change me
And now I can see every single possibility

And someday I know it'll all turn out
And I'll work to work it out
Promise you, kid, I'll give more than I get
Than I get, than I get, than I get

Oh, you know it'll all turn out
And you'll make me work so we can work to work it out
And I promise you kid to give so much more than I get
Yeah, I just haven't met you yet

I just haven't met you yet
Oh, promise you, kid
To give so much more than I get


-:) always reassuring to know about the word 'yet' ... anyhow, i rmb being told tht i shouldnt 'wait for mylife to happen' only when he comes but that is the case for a lot of ppl huh =/ must ditch that mentality away!

I think im just really glad to still be alive ha ha....

Anyw im starting to feel all horrid and what not again... I thought id be more matured abt such things being 22 !!!! Apparently not :( okay, nvm. I must sustain for the next 2/3 wks!! I shld be void of all these by then. :)

Todays cycling for the first time everrr was .

Yes. Its . Hahaha