it's coming 24th march so... that means its almost time to go back to serangoon. didn't seem too long ago when i went there last year :o

anyway my dream : i was with janell at home and knew that just lazing around. the only difference was that i knew it was the last night of my life so... i was posted the 'what would you do if you knew today was the last day of your life?' except that it was my last night. and... from this dream i realized that i'm extremely lazy; as it was already evening and i was home, i decided to just stay home ha ha. i decided to quickly finish off my duties for the night before heading straight to bed as i didn't know how i was going to die, was scared of how i would, and decided that dying in my sleep was the easiest and least painful way.

it was quite a difficult job i suppose because i was taking extremely long and could not seem to move any faster. anyway.... eventually i managed to get into bed! mind was still awake, heart beating faster by the minute, fear intensifying of what was to come... i really could not sleep-who would anyway lah, if you're 22, not done much in your life and knew your life is going to be made up of crap... SO, i took my phone and decided to text any of my loved ones, relatives and friends, last words and all. the first person that came to mind was my paternal grandma. i could have called her, but i didn't. my subconscious mind wanted to text people only. ha ha (sounds funny spelling everything out but i believe that dreams speak a lot about one's self so i do learn more about myself from my decisions made in dreams!). ahma doesn't have a handphone so i needed to text someone else. i did not text any of my family members but ,texted 'joel korkor' instead o.o (shows how filial i look upon him to be!)

i told him: please tell ahma that i love her and i will really miss her. sent. short message. whaaaaaaat, totally against my law-saw (oh goodness, what is that word in english?!) nature.

okay thats the important part i wanted to note down. (anyw then i went back to trying to sleep. i managed to get into a semiconscious mode. heard a lot of noises again... soon, i felt this warmth overwhelm my body, slowly but surely. then i felt, like, this weight being pulled/lifted out of my body, the warmth dissipated =x and then nothingness. emptiness.)

strangely, i felt more fear than sadness. strange because every time i let my thoughts wander (into the possibility of ending my life), i always felt extreme pain when i thought about my grandmother dealing with it...

it's coming 5 years since we made friendships with thad and went to his house for his birthday... the memory seems so vague yet recent. his family even organized a dinner in commemoration for his 21st last year of which a few of his friends were invited, like me-very thankful for that :) . i guess the ache i feel when i think of him isn't an 'empty, i miss him' kind of feeling but more of a ,why? he had so much ahead of him...

i guess we'll never know till we reach our own end and hopefully get the opportunity to ask our creator. and i'm sure by then, being shown the bigger picture, everything will make perfect logical sense. so right now, for the living, we should continue to strive on and not give up. and especially so, have faith.

i think its going to be difficult to visit him later this month because i don't see much a difference in me 2012 and tiffany 2011. totally have not learnt the value and precious-ness of life. =/

so anyway on a completely separate note, what he said is so true! the roles are reversed now and i really don't know how to behave. ha ha. but from my former role's perspective, i told myself that they were so silly, isn't it better to at least be friends, still be able to talk, and better still , never have to quarrel or face the possibility of complete eradication of each others lives? ha ha, i must hang on dearly to these words for my life. for my sanity. for my progress... yes.

okay, JUST LAST NIGHT, i lifted this up to God so this,now, clearly is a form of response from Him. told him in advance that come what may, i WILL accept things but i miiiiiight show my displeasure, i might cry, i might be sad and emo and angst like a kid...but i will accept whatever is to come out of this. i.will.accept! @.@ yes

whats wrong with me, Dad :(