No.... Why do big drastic horrid arguments need to occur during impt commemorative events ? :/ always. It always has to happen.

Anyway todays social concerns talk was bad as well. I was v expectant because for 2wks, i anticipated the talk. I expected to come out of it knowing the direction tt He wanted me to make. But i just felt so uncomfortable throughout... I just cld not reconcile my thoughts and feelings w what each speaker was sharing. To feel indifferent, thats one thing because it jst means tt i lack compassion, but i felt ...repulsed. I think? Jst had much negative emotions circling throughout my blood and bones. I dont even know why.

Im wondering whether its because these initiatives are frm pure christian organisations... And i want to be working in a more secular environment...? But i WANT to spread God's love ! So im v confused. Disturbed..

I dno whether im rdy to step back into this rship again.. I feel so caught offguard. Didnt expect this whole myraid of emotions and i dont know how to deal w it. I thought He'd be on the other end with arms opened wide and a smile beckoning me back eagering.

But all i see ahead are thorns and darkness, confusion and distraught. @.@ im extremely lost now. I barely took my first step and im..... Im just really lost. And scared.

I dont know what to do because ,what held me back from this rship, or any intimate ones in fact, are the feelings of vulnerability..to be expectant of the other party and to be susceptible to hurt and disappointment. Step one and You allow this?? Huh?? Why! How now, what am i supposed to do....... :(( dont leave me alone defensiveless here..