i actly contemplated sharing with you all and who I'll be how i feel about yesterday's race, about how i feel now... but as it was formulating in my mind, i just can't bring myself to blog about it anymore because a lot of vulgarities will be spewed .i'll lose my good girl image and i'll pollute my mind.

so maybe another time when i've cooled down. and hey, isn't that what i said abt cross natls? i keep letting myself down man. and it aint only me, but my teammates, coach, family etc. a redeemable chance thrown away because of ,as what my friend put it, laziness. much as it is so blatant and pissed off -ing , i do find some truth in it. which stinks even more. because it's not his fault for saying so. but mine. i must have done something for someone to say such a statement abt someone yes. maybe thats why i even went to talk with him in the first place, to have some crude truth thrown in my face.to have a scolding because i can't do it so to myself .

you know when you're angry at someone, you can do mean things to him like give him the cold war or destroy his lecture notes or say mean things to him.

but when you're angry at yourself, and this anger ain't gonna simmer down, how? how can you avoid yourself? how can you destroy yr lecture notes when you've a levels in 4mths? how can you say mean things to yourself? ( ....what i'm gonna say to myself, i already know it, they have always been swimming ard my head...) this feeling sucks.

when you're angry at someone, when they have done something wrong and you have to scold him or throw some harsh truths about reality to him, it's easy (relatively). just confront him and 'HEY YOU loser. listen up ..etc etc'

when i look at myself in the mirror, i see someone who deserves a bashing, a scolding. that girl there needs some serious trashing and rebuking man. seriously, for all that's been blessed and entrusted in her hands...what the hell goes through that screwed up mind?

how do you give yourself a much deserved beating . how how how. i must recover quickly. i 'm going nuts thinking about it.
screwing up a levels will not be doing myself any harm at all, it will be letting down my coaches, teachers, classmates, parents and maker.

i've not been a very good follower but yeah, i should try to salvage my relationship with the play-maker as much as i (think i) can. obedience and being good and all .at least my 17yrs of going to church has put some sanity in me.